Mon odyssée

Hey shorty!

2012-02-16T23:16:00.002+08:00

...I bet when you drive, we can't even see your head. It's like a driverless car...

............I'm sure when you go on an airplane, they'll give you discount price thinking you're a child........

..You know that game, where you have to go through a loop without touching the inner side of the loop, we can just simply throw you...aim then throw..it will be damn easy ....

........Next week, we'll go to the waterfall, it's not deep, it's just this deep *While drawing an imaginary line just below his chin which indicate I'll be fully drown if I were to be in the water*

...Are you sure you're working here? You look like you just passed UPSR (primary school end of the year exam for 12 years old children)...

...Hi kecik...hi ketot...hi pendek...(which are all mean words for shorty)....

....Whose card is this??..why are u taking out so much money??? Lemme see your ID!....

You might see me laugh when these remark were directed towards me and occasionally, I would join in adding a few anecdotes here and there but what you don't know was .....

deep at the corner of my heart.. every comment was like ..putting salt to an open wound.

It stings, it hurts and it leaves a deep scar.

Thank you for lifting my spirit. Thank you for making me even more confident than ever. (Sarcasm in case u don't get it)

Short can be fun but it's not meant to be made fun of.

2012-02-13T22:03:00.002+08:00

Taken from A cup of Jo

I shall not wish u happy valentine's day cause apparently it's wrong in my religion

but I wish u

Happy loving day..

Love all u might!

Love hate relationship

2012-02-07T15:41:00.002+08:00

I ran my fingers through the rows and rows of fabrics displayed in front of me.Walking slowly and gracefully (trying to), I browsed through the myriad shapes and textures that lay in front of my eyes. Shouldn't a girl feel nothing but thrill to be in such place? What's a better therapy (albeit temporary) then handing over cash for a piece of hardly 2m square of fabric to be put on your figure?

Stopping over a greyish bat-like blouse, I admire its flowy texture. It wasn't silk nor satin, probably mixture of polyester and cotton? Heck, what do I know bout all this? All I can imagine there and then, was the shape it would take on the wearer, and mostly how the fabric will flow when blown by the wind. Surely boys would see you as...erm....ayu?

The salesgirl who was standing 10 inch away gave me this peculiar look that I could not comprehend. With one hand over the hanger, leaning carelessly beside the counter, her eyes followed my fingers tracing the fabric. Secretly I wished I knew what was running through her mind. There were only 3 probabilities : First, looking at me with a quick judgment, she saw me as not a potential customer, probably because one quick look at my size, she knew instantly that the piece of garment would never fit me. Second, she can't be bothered by me because she was just plain lazy. Heck if I wanted it, I would just ask her right?. Third, there was nothing on her mind. She could just be a blonde for all I know except that technically no one is born blonde in my country.

I flipped through the different sizes, knowing the answer to my unspoken question. There's no way in a million gazillion years they could have it in my size. The same scene played over and over again at various department in the shopping complex. Why did I even bother to come anyway?

I walked away with a feeling of disgust. Towards who? The salesgirl or to myself? It's not her fault I'm born tiny.And to answer your question, even XS doesn't fit me or rarely fits me. You see XS is usually size 4 UK or 0 US size which is like erm 30-22-32 inches probably and that is considered rather loose for me (so can you visualize my size then?). Of course I'm not looking for a body hugging piece of garment but rather a well fitted cloth that when you wear, at least you won't look like a child wearing an oversize adult gown.

My parent as well as the never ending list of people I've encountered would suggest me to go to children's department. To prove my mom wrong, I descended a level and brought her to see for herself. 'Pick one that you think suits me', I said and guess what?She came back empty handed.

It sucks to browse through the net and keying in petite clothing and came back with nothing (locally I mean). People gave more importance to plus size clothing but everyone seems to forget petite like me (Hence the joke that I always received 'We're too small to be seen'). We require less fabric than you do, but just because we're not potentially the biggest buyers, it doesn't mean we don't exist.

Another solution I received was to tailor made your garments. Sure,find me a tailor who happens to be a designer as well, and I would happily buy clothes made from him/her cause my tailor surely only knows how to make traditional clothes.

To summarize my post? Me and shopping malls, it's a love hate relationship.

Tak apa

2012-02-03T21:38:00.001+08:00

I wish I have that tak apa attitude...

So that I wouldn't feel hurt when someone does it...again

It's friday friday friday (sing it!)

2012-01-27T09:53:00.000+08:00

My column's not working. (sorry chemistry stuff, and no I can't make another one cause I won't be able to finish it by 6pm)

So there goes my day well spent.

At 10 am in the morning.

Bored@work....

Blogging at work..danger danger.

2012-01-26T18:26:00.001+08:00

I don't normally do this. Blogging at work I mean. But hey, there's only 4 of us, in the whooolee building. There's like ..I don't know, 3 or 4 companies working under the same building but somehow mine is the only one running.Boo..

Look at those empty parking spaces! I can park whichever way I like, tadakk dah nak scratch keta langgar sapa2, god knows how loser i am at parking my car.

So to keep my spirit up and stay optimistic (see, I'm making an effort), let me tell you 10 cool things bout my job. Scratch that.(I'm a noob, I don't know how to scratch a word in blogger? How do you do that? literally put a line on top of a word?). Let be modest and make it 5 instead (actually, I don't think I'll be able to list more than 5).

No. 1 :
No dress code...wohoo...pakai kain pelikat pun boley...You see, I always have this image of Msia where we have to wear formal clothes to work (except probably in those companies where they have casual fridays)...but here, it's friday everyday!. So no slacks, no blouse, no baju batik necessary (u can even wear 'clothes that poke eyes'...eheh..xbaik xbaik..). Come as you may..huhu...

No. 2 : I have no exact number of annual leaves. Ok emm, how's that a cool thing? I'm the only one with this weird position where I'm not an employee yet I'm somehow required to do some employee stuffs (and be exempted from other stuffs as well). The cool thing about it is that, it also means my holidays are unlimited (or limited depending on how you see it). So it's like I would inform my boss of my leaves rather than actually applying for leaves. Cause it seems like I don't have anyone to apply my leaves from. My boss is not exactly my boss. I call her my boss but she's not exactly entitled to give me any leave. (I avoid thinking bout it cause it's rather complicated to explain)

No. 3 : We're away from the city. Again, how's that supposed to be a cool thing? I think I like working in a less crowded place. It gives me a piece of mind while I work. The sound of cricket (actually there's a machine in our lab that sounds like cricket) and the slow hum of fume hood, they're music to my ears (ok I still wish there's a radio though).... You can't even hear the traffic outside, or the loud music blasting off from shopping complexes. We're pretty much isolated but hey the city is just 10 min away (by car of course).

No. 4 : I'm greeted by tiny zebra fishes everyday. They're our pet. And we love them..mMUahhHA..Seriously, it's cool to have aquariums..those would be the first thing you see when you enter our lab.

Meet bedah, eton, maimon, salehah, zakaria, ali baba...etc etc

No. 5 : The people here are cool. That's the least I could say because I've only been working for a month (almost!). They could be categorized as easy-going peeps. There was one time at a restaurant where we usually eat, a colleague asked the cashier if he wouldn't give us anything for free. The cashier said "Alright, it's friday, go ahead and take the watermelon (sliced ones of course)." "Are you sure?" "Yeah, yeah, go ahead"....When the rest of us reached the car, he (as in my colleague) gave each one of us a slice of papaya.

Huh??? How could he mistaken watermelon and papaya?? *Slap heads* We couldn't stop laughing until we got back to work.

Poor guy, the joke was on him till today...

No money no life?

2012-01-25T19:07:00.001+08:00

Do you have any idea on what kind of activities that you can do with your friends that don't require any money? I mean even stepping out need money ; transport money (contoh naik keta kena minyak, pastu nak parking kena bayar tiket), food, movie, etc etc. My friends are so...erm, money saver that I think I'm turning into them as well. Who knew I'm poorer working than when I was a student.

Okay, if you suggest going to the park, err...kalau dengan laki, nanti org ingat dating pulak..mulalah fitnah situ fitnah sini kan? pompuan2 sekarang pun sama jek...semua takmo gi park, apa park takde klas ke? hangout sorang2 takut, byk pickpockets...simbah asid sana, simbah asid sini..dia bawak acid org bawak alkali baru tahu..kat lab tu byk jek..(sorry, no translation given, google on your own)

karaoke? money
Skating? money
movie? money
art class? language class? money money

i mean seriously, why is it so hard to just walk out and hangout somewhere? I remembered back then in Bradford, I used to just walk to the city centre and talk for hours with my friend in front of the city hall, watching people play skate boardings, parents walking with their children and dogs, even youngsters just lie down on the green grass building castles in the sky.

Here?

What's up malaysians??

ok, dok umah, muhasabah diri...tgk rancangan agama lagi baik kan? amin amin amin

Unclutter your life

2012-01-24T19:58:00.001+08:00

Months and months ago, I begged and pleaded my mom to buy me a shelf. Told her I needed a place to keep my books and files. She said "Nak beli nanti kena pasang sendiri.Sapa lagi yang nak pasangkan?" (Translation : If you want to buy a shelf, you'll need to install it yourself. Who else is going to do it?).

I told her I don't care, I'll do it myself if I have to.

So after much struggle in putting the heavy woods in the car and me carrying the wooden shelf piece by piece up the stairs, I started on 'building' my shelf.

You've got to admit, it's a big ambition for such a tiny lady. In my head I felt like I'm rebelling and it felt good cause they (as in my parents) always think such things are a hassle in life. Keja apa yang senang kat dunia nih? Haih...(What kind of work is easy in this world?)

So without a single help from my old ones (except for their money.hehe), I build my shelf from scratch. I nailed piece by piece together and even turn the heavy shelf upside down (cause apparently I build it downside up) all on my own.

Ehem, mind the messiness...

One block for lomo display...hooyeahhh...

Who says a small lady can't do a big man's job?

Uncle chot

2012-01-22T00:06:00.003+08:00

20th of January 2012, my dearest uncle passed away.

Dengan wajah yang tenang, seolah-olah sedang tidur, kami meratapi pemergiannya. Dialah penghibur dan dialah nadi kami sekeluarga. Semoga Allah merahmati rohnya...

'.....Selamat tinggal saudaraku untuk selama-lamanya. Ingatlah wahai saudaraku, apabila ditanya malaikat, siapa tuhanmu dan siapa nabimu, jawablah tanpa getar kerana malaikat juga makhluk Allah. Jawabla Allah tuhanku, Muhammad nabiku, Baitullah kiblatku dan Islam agama ku....'

Al-fatihah.

It's better ignored

2012-01-11T18:49:00.002+08:00

When no one knows and no one cares, sometimes (despite everything) it's a good thing.

It saves u from a whole lot of embarassement.

Now the only thing I have to focus on, is stop being embarrassed to ......no one (cause no one knows.duh).

Pfft.

Everything happens for a reason

2012-01-10T18:53:00.002+08:00

About 4 months ago, I went for an overnight trip to Edinburgh with a french friend. At the Edinburgh castle, there was a photo exhibition exhibiting photos (duh?) of poor souls, starving children, and wars victims.

Then I said to my friend "if I were to be behind the camera, I would never be able to take these photos. I'll be too sad and too stunned to even do anything."

And then she answered "That's why they are the photographers..because they capture moments and immortalized them so that we would feel what they feel."

I fell silent.She was right.I could never be like these amazing photographers.

Ok, I don't know why I was thinking bout it.

Erm, jumping to another subject. Yesterday night my grandfather's sister passed away. I went to the same school as her daughters and even though we might not be super close to each other, I would still like to extend my deepest condolence to their family.

I was holding back my tears when my grandfather started crying looking at her motionless sister. Two loss in 6 months were a lot to handle for him. He must stay strong. He must.

I skipped work today and luckily I get to visit my grandmother's grave as well. Silently I told her "I'm back mama and I miss u".

Al-fatihah.

Ishh

2012-01-07T16:02:00.000+08:00

IIIIShhh, benci gile org yg x reply message. Don lar leave ppl hanging like that.

Even if you refuse to answer, say la u're bz ke, u can't reply at the moment ke or worst come to worst, say u don't want to talk to me anymore. At least that clear things up.

Don't lah senyap jep...Have some manners and don't give other ppl a reason to hate u.

Sorry, nak melepaskan ketidakpuasan hati. Sapa kan lagi nak dgr kalau bukan u bloggie?

Question mark.

2012-01-02T01:03:00.000+08:00

i hate you

because i miss u.

blergh.

what's happening?

I refuse to think it's a bad start

2012-01-01T21:15:00.001+08:00

I feel like an effing loser.

Arghh.

What a day.

Getz!

2011-12-31T21:45:00.001+08:00

I'm hugging my car.

Virtually.

Pathetic huh?

I feel like a late bloomer.

Those my age are at least 3 years ahead in their career with a much bigger car.

Me?

Probably starting my adulthood.

At a quarter of the century.

2012?

Game on.

The white paw

2011-12-30T16:14:00.002+08:00

Behind my grandparent's house, there's a small garage to keep gardening tools, stairs, etc etc. It has a shape of a small house with just a window and a door. Right from the kitchen, you would have a view of the whole garage surrounded by the coconut, papaya and banana trees.

Just as I was washing the dishes, I saw tiny paws coming out from below the brown garage door. The tiny furry hand poking in and out as if playing with the flying insect from nearby bushes.Am not surprised if there are so many cats lingering around the house considering our behind neighbor has a house full of em. But how could the cat gone in when the door and window were closed shut?

Oh well, maybe the maid opened it this morning and that's when the cat decided to slip in. I probably should let him out and hopefully the cat wasn't left long enough in the well closed area. I unlocked the kitchen door, and twist the garage knob open...but no cat came out?

So I called out, making that usual noise that you make when you call a cat, but..rien, nadaa?I peek through those gardening tools, but no movement in sight. No, the cat couldn't have gone out without me noticing, there's only the door and the window which were in my plain sight since the beginning.

*Gulp*

Could I have been dreaming? In the middle of the day?

I left, trying not to think much of it. Why?

Cause the last maid ran away for ...let's just say....out of this world's reason.

Now my head hurts.

joyeux noël

2011-12-25T01:53:00.003+08:00

To my oversea friends (and msians of course) , joyeux noël ! Miss u guys!

p/s : no snow, only rusty candle holder.heh.

how?

2011-12-22T20:18:00.002+08:00

How do you deal with two horrible people in your life? People that you can't get away from.

How?

How?

HOW?

To vote or not to vote

2011-12-21T16:12:00.001+08:00

First and foremost, I would like to apologize if this post has some racial elements in it. I'm not, in any way, trying to shine one race above another but instead, I would like to highlight certain observations that I've made. Ok, truthfully, there's no point in doing it except to contribute in my daily ramble..hehe.

Ever since I got back, my mom has been urging me to register as a voter considering I'm way pass the limit age to vote. Sorry mom, I have no desire whatsoever to do such thing. She tried to reason me out by saying it doesn't matter who you vote, as long as you vote for a malay party or else we'll lose our rights (as in Bumiputera right, designed to favor indigenous people like me). In one way, she does have a point, but in another, questions after questions pop into my mind.

My biggest question is, to what extent show we preserve this rights?

Now, now, I'm basically pathetic in politics and I couldn't care less about it. I'm the irresponsible citizen who let the government or whoever's ruling do what they want to do and when they fail to do what's pleases rakyat, I'll complain behind their back. The rights are given to bumiputras mainly because we fail to stand on our own two feet. So leaders step in to give a helping hand (un coup de pouce, it's annoying when certain words pop in french in my hand and i find it hard to search for it's equivalent in english) to bumiputras. However I think, malays (some not all) misuse this rights, getting too comfortable, getting all pampered and in the end, refuse to work harder.

I remembered after Spm (high school final exam), when a fellow chinese friend was denied a government aid due to the existing quota regardless of her excellent result. So non bumiputras parents had to work harder to send their children to private universities because they know how tough it was to get financial aid. As they work harder, they become more and more independent and in the meantime, what do the bumiputras do? Rely on government of course.

As an oversea graduate, I couldn't help but observe my fellow colleagues, seniors as well as juniors. Once the money bank in, apa lagi, buy a 100 inch flat screen tv (er, ade ke?), ps3, psp, branded bags, clothes, etc etc. After 3 months, there surely be a fb status : bile duit scholar nak masuk neh?? (When the scholar money going to be bank in?) or Esok scholar masuk, esok scholar masuk! (Tomorrow, scholar money will be bank in!)..Those are rakyats' money, how we manage the money is up to each individual but up to a point where you find yourself with negative amount at the end of the month, then there's something wrong with that.And this attitude was commonly observed among malays (N.B it's simply my observation).

I couldn't entirely blame them you know, the temptations were strong. I myself have a nintendo DS and even thought of buying wii. There's nothing wrong with wanting to spend the money that you've earned and pamper yourself once a while. However it's all about how you define the word EARN. Since you're a scholar student, of course you don't work for it but you were sent to study, so isn't it fair to say you would earn the money if you actually work hard/smart for your studies?I don't know, I rather not point finger to anyone.Like my mom would say if one finger is pointing to others, then 4 fingers are pointing back at you.

Point is, it's a even a reminder to myself, don't take things for granted. I'm blessed to be given financial aid in my studies and I'll try to make the most out of it. I do like the fact that government help bumiputras but I think it's only wise to teach us to be independent ourselves as well.

As I'm starting out my new career, I couldn't help but wonder you know, among 9 of us, why am I the only malay? I have nothing against the chinese but I just wonder, why is this path leads to mostly chinese and not malays? Are malays not as brilliant as the chinese? Are we not capable of doing research as well? Are we too afraid to be in a position where there's a lot of thinking involve?? Or simply because we just prefer to be kuli? and let the boss decides for us?

Anyway, work is a tad scary, being the only chemist among brilliant biologists, they expect me to solve their chemistry issues...Errr....I'll do what I can...

mon petit bonheur

2011-12-21T00:52:00.000+08:00

Rules

2011-12-15T04:09:00.000+08:00

Rule #1 : Expect nothing from anyone.
   It'll save you from disappointment.

Rule #2 : Don't get too close to the fire.
                Or you'll get burned.

Rule #3 : Always give but avoid taking.
                Or you'll forever be in debt.

Rule #4 : Dream but don't dream too far.
                You'll lose grip of reality.

Rule #5 : When possible show not your emotion.
                Regardless of what people say, especially those who tell you to be yourself, rarely
                anyone cares how you feel. Homo sapiens think only of themselves.

Rule #6 : Adapt to survive.
               Else die.

Rule #7 : Judge not or you shall be judged.

Rule #8 : In this world, there's no me, there's not you, but there's me and you.

Rule #9 : Say once, repeat twice but careful not to go beyond thrice.
               Else you are no different than a mocking bird, except you're mimicking yourself.

Rule #10 : You may live surrounded with people but you would definitely, definitely die...alone.
                 It's not so much of a rule..it's a fact.

p/s : oh my oh my P1 sux. 4G technology konon.ptuih ptuih ptuih.

Bit of this and that

2011-12-04T22:44:00.001+08:00

Have you got a change? heh

2011-12-04T21:51:00.001+08:00

Have u heard of the book entitled 'Who moved my cheese?'. I'm sure u have. It's quite famous.

So I was at MPH waiting and waiting and waiting for a friend to arrive (I seriously don't know why people like to keep me waiting. I sometimes have to wait for more than an hour.Next time, I should just fix a time and show up an hour later. Grrr).

Being a patient lady I was, bookstores have always been my first choice for waiting area. I don't like walking around alone, cause I realize I'm not much of a window shopper. I'm not that tempted to buy anything and shops (restaurant as well) just make me feel down (is this normal?).

So I would linger around a bookstore, and the bigger the bookstore is, the safer I feel. Cause then I could browse more books and pick one and settle down somewhere (geek huh?). I get comfortable when I see someone else do the same, cause then I know I wasn't the only one to erm..read a book without buying it?heh.

As I was browsing, the book 'Who moved my cheese' just happened to be on a plain sight and I decided to read it, again (i read it like 6 or 7 years ago). I don't usually like motivational books cause they're just shitty,they often lay the problems as clear as crystals and then offer vague solutions (Ok, fine, I haven't read many, so maybe I'm wrong.forgive me then). Bored waiting, I decided to read it slowly and actually finished reading it in the bookstores (showed how long I had been waiting huh. I even started reading a second book when my friend called).

The book was such a friendly reminder of how we should anticipate change in life. Everything is continuously changing whether we like it or not. Point is, change is necessary and we change to adapt.

CHANGE..such a small word...but with a bigger definition.

I just wanted to say..I like the book very much...if only I were rich, I would have bought it. I don't think rm30 (it was around that price) is suitable for book that thick. Hopefully, this post would remind me of what was written in that book and apply it in my life.

Cmon nini, change!

2011-12-01T11:25:00.001+08:00

C trop blessant quand on m'as posé un lapin.

InsTagram

2011-11-30T17:34:00.001+08:00

Taken from lomography facebook.

C du blabla

2011-11-30T17:30:00.001+08:00

Comment ca se fait que c'est trop difficile d'avoir une affinité forte avec quelque'un. Non, raye ça.
Comment ca se fait que c'est trop difficile de garder une affinité forte avec quelqu'un. Ouais, c ca.
Et comment ca se fait que, peu importe si j'essaie d'etre la plus gentille possible, ca marchera pas?

Argh, j'ai perdu l'espoir. Je tombe et je retombe dans la depression. Pkoi une chose belle peut pas durer?

La vie demande trop d'effort.

Encore un petit peu plus, je vais vite disparaitre.

Uhuh

2011-11-22T15:06:00.001+08:00

Uhuh, Pfizer called.

PFIZER...

Unfortunately, no openings available in the domains related to research.

But they offered me sales executive position.

I wasn't interested.Turned down the offer.

UHuhu..

Pfizer.

Gosh.

Trip down memory lane

2011-11-22T10:00:00.000+08:00

I've deactivated my fb account. I don't know if it's temporary or permanent. For all I know, I might even reactivate it in next few hours, tomorrow or probably never. I sorta lost interest in FB considering very few (almost nonexistent come to think about it) FB friends are my actual friends. I couldn't grab hold of the concept 'expanding your network of friends via FB' simply because I noticed that the same people communicate with the same circle of friends and rarely goes beyond that. Even birthday wishes and wedding invitation felt insincere. I've tried, you know, being nice, like trying to get to know a person sincerely by asking/commenting on post or even posting on their walls but the feedback were often...discouraging. Probably I was unlikeable. But yeah, if I reactivate it, the main reason would be the need to get in touch for some reason with someone/anyone.Oh well...having an account and not having one make no difference, so why bother.

Moving on..

I found a few old photos of my family that I scanned and felt like sharing with no one in particular. These two are the loveliest ones that I found and I could stare at them for hours, imagining what their live had been at that moment.

It ain't a love story, between them. Probably never met before marriage. But love was possible despite all that (Better be, else I won't exist, wouldn't I?). Looking at the picture, I couldn't help but notice how gorgeous she was, well groomed, pretty clothes and nice necklace. I can't help but feel that this woman was different than the one I knew (oh whateva that means)

The most prominent memory I had of her was way back when I was a kid. I could picture her in her baju kurung kedah, wearing an apron, more or less the same hairstyle she had in the picture though she was much chubbier. I, on the hand was wearing my baju skolah agama (white baju kurung, green kain), standing on a tiny stool, reaching out those dirty plates in the sink , helping her washing the dishes. Oh my memories too weak to remember how the conversation went but she mentioned something that I couldn't comprehend the reason that lies behind it. She went on about how her time on this world might be soon.

It wasn't. From there to soon were years. She even had 4 more grandchildren after that and had the opportunity to meet her first great grandchildren. Why had she said that, I had no idea. But she said it a lot this year, she even took out a bed to put in a middle of the room saying that there her corpse would lie.

This time, it did.

Hmm, you are missed.

Flip it over

2011-11-20T22:57:00.001+08:00

My world is not as wonderful as I wish it to be. I don't know if it's temporary but I have endure it long enough to taste it's bitterness.

I warn you that this post would be rather emotional cause that is what I'm feeling right now. When things are being written with this state of mind, certain things that shouldn't be said will be said and could even lead to inappropriate statements.

I found myself with very very few choices to explore. Patience is no longer a word in my dictionary, but instead an equivalent to suffering.I've bit my tongue, I've hold my attitude, I shut myself and now all I want is to live. The remaining question is..how?

I've considered moving to a place where I don't know a single soul and make a new life.Been there, done that and it was the most wonderful experience I had. But the past caught up with me, people who claimed that they love me (though I fail to understand their meaning of love), stirred me from this life only to move me from heaven to hell. What are they trying to prove to me? I'm unhappy, they're unhappy, why bother drag me here?

I could move again.Meet new people, give new impression. What's wrong with people is that we tend to stick with only one perception. If she's evil, she's evil. No room for change.No second chance. So yeah, what if I am running away from all these perceptions? I'm unhappy enough where I am, so why is it so wrong to leave for a happier me?

You could call me ungrateful, bitch, asshole or whatever word you may find horrible enough to describe me, but all of that are insignificant to me because I'm nothing to you. If I meant something to someone, I would have feel his/her presence, won't I?

To you it might just be another case of emotional breakdown, god knows I'm famous for that. I can't deny the fact that I've shown signs of depression and this, this is just my muse of getting myself out of it.

I've tasted happiness, I believe it's possible to taste it again. Just not here. Not with you.

2011-11-16T20:30:00.001+08:00

pas de boulot, pas d'ami et une famille qui n'a rien à foutre de moi.

la vie est belle non?

The phone story

2011-11-09T18:59:00.000+08:00

Taken from hellovanny

This happened to me a few times. Lol.

Has it ever happened to you?

Crumble aux pommes

2011-11-09T16:29:00.001+08:00

I didn't know what to expect when I first tried the recipe, but when I taste it, it reminds me of chausson aux pommes!! ahh, i love the french boulangeries..

La famille

2011-11-08T16:06:00.002+08:00

Are parents to be blame for the behavior of their children (regardless of what age they are)?

Most people that I've met fail to understand that every family is different. They like to think that other families are like theirs (with minor differences). This perception often belong to individual with a happy (I prefer to say not a sad) family (cause there's a slight nuance on those terms).

Not all families raise their children according to the book of parenting and that's a fact. So why oh why would you think my family is like yours? You might not say it word by word, but your "accusations" prove otherwise. For example, if I were to say hmm "I don't think my parents really appreciate what I've done" and then you'll say "I'm sure they do, they're your parents". Ain't that a hypothesis? Putting one parent among other parents does not make them behave similarly. (Btw, that's just an example that I made up).

I do think my family is different than most families that I've met. Hell, my family is a lot more different than my aunts' or my uncles' families. My family has problem expressing emotions other than anger and frustration. My whole life I've never had any words of encouragements or hints of proud in any conversation with my parents albeit the numbers of achievements I've made. There no such thing as touching, hugging or display of physical emotions in this kind of family. There's also a huge lack of father figure in this family because well, my father wasn't always around. I dare say we behave like strangers around one another.

I hate and absolutely hate it when people say "Well then you have to make the effort to change things around". Even a straight steel will need hundred of degree fire to bend it down, and you're asking me to change the behavior of a family that was shaped this way for 31 years. It's like I can ask a rock to be a sponge, but a rock would never level himself to a sponge because a rock would just behave like a ....rock (it's sounds confusing right, sorry for that. What I'm trying to say is, I could be a sponge because I realize that we have to soften up in order to resolve the problem but asking someone else who is hard as a rock and soften itself to a sponge is rather almost impossible task because well..he only knows how to be a rock because he has always been one).

My point is, sometimes I wonder where did I get my behavior from. This constant urge to raise my voice when someone refuses to listen, this sensitive feeling and the need to sulk when I'm unhappy, the mean sarcasm that I feel like throwing when others behave not according to my taste, etc etc. I was brought up with them. I learned from seeing people doing them, constantly and repetitively.

Now I'm old enough to draw a line between good and bad but the ol' saying 'old habits die hard' just proves how hard it is to change something that you're so accustomed with. I promise myself to try but so far, i've fallen a few times. I'll keep trying. One thing for sure, when I would be a parent, I'll try to give more than what I've received.

P/s : This post wasn't intended in any way to criticized my family but just a mere reflection of how I arrived to this point of being who I am at this moment. And hopefully, you will see that every family is different and never compare other families with yours. I am grateful to even have a family despite our differences.

The Difference Between Men and Women

2011-11-06T14:56:00.001+08:00

I got this from the Joke diary. Come to think about it, there's a hard cold truth about it. :

Let’s say a guy named Roger is attracted to a woman named Elaine. Heasks her out to a movie; she accepts; they have a pretty good time. Afew nights later he asks her out to dinner, and again they enjoythemselves. They continue to see each other regularly, and after awhile neither one of them is seeing anybody else.

And then, one evening when they’re driving home, a thought occurs toElaine, and, without really thinking, she says it aloud: “Do yourealize that, as of tonight, we’ve been seeing each other for exactlysix months?” And then there is silence in the car.

To Elaine, it seems like a very loud silence. She thinks to herself:Geez, I wonder if it bothers him that I said that. Maybe he’s beenfeeling confined by our relationship; maybe he thinks I’m trying topush him into some kind of obligation that he doesn’t want, or isn’tsure of.

And Roger is thinking: Gosh. Six months.

And Elaine is thinking: But, hey, I’m not so sure I want this kindof relationship, either. Sometimes I wish I had a little more space, soI’d have time to think about whether I really want us to keep going theway we are, moving steadily toward… I mean, where are we going? Are wejust going to keep seeing each other at this level of intimacy? Are weheading toward marriage? Toward children? Toward a lifetime together?Am I ready for that level of commitment? Do I really even know thisperson?

And Roger is thinking: …so that means it was…let’s see…February whenwe started going out, which was right after I had the car at thedealer’s, which means…lemme check the odometer… Whoa! I am way overduefor an oil change here.

And Elaine is thinking: He’s upset. I can see it on his face. MaybeI’m reading this completely wrong. Maybe he Wants more from ourrelationship, more intimacy, more commitment; maybe he has sensed-evenbefore I sensed it-that I was feeling some reservations. Yes, I betthat’s it. That’s why he’s so reluctant to say anything about his ownfeelings. He’s afraid of being rejected.

And Roger is thinking: And I’m gonna have them look at thetransmission again. I don’t care what those morons say, it’s still notshifting right. And they better not try to blame it on the cold weatherthis time. What cold weather? It’s 87 degrees out, and this thing isshifting like a garbage truck, and I paid those incompetent thieves$600.

And Elaine is thinking: He’s angry. And I don’t blame him. I’d beangry, too. I feel so guilty, putting him through this, but I can’thelp the way I feel. I’m just not sure.

And Roger is thinking: They’ll probably say it’s only a 90-day warranty…scumbags.

And Elaine is thinking: Maybe I’m just too idealistic, waiting for aknight to come riding up on his white horse, when I’m sitting rightnext to a perfectly good person, a person I enjoy being with, a personI truly do care about, a person who seems to truly care about me. Aperson who is in pain because of my self-centered, schoolgirl romanticfantasy.

And Roger is thinking: Warranty? They want a warranty? I’ll give them a warranty. I’ll take their warranty and shove it …………….

“Roger,” Elaine says aloud.

“What?” says Roger, startled.

“Please don’t torture yourself like this,” she says, her eyesbeginning to brim with tears. “Maybe I should never have… Oh gosh, Ifeel so…” (She breaks down, sobbing.)

“What?” says Roger.

“I’m such a fool,” Elaine sobs. “I mean, I know there’s no knight. Ireally know that. It’s silly. There’s no knight, and there’s no horse.”

“There’s no horse?” says Roger.

“You think I’m a fool, don’t you?” Elaine says.

No!” says Roger, glad to finally know the correct answer.

“It’s just that…it’s that I… I need some time,” Elaine says.

(There is a 15-second pause while Roger, thinking as fast as he can,tries to come up with a safe response. Finally he comes up with onethat he thinks might work.) “Yes,” he says.

(Elaine, deeply moved, touches his hand.) “Oh, Roger, do you really feel that way?” she says.

“What way?” says Roger.

“That way about time,” says Elaine.

“Oh,” says Roger. “Yes…”

(Elaine turns to face him and gazes deeply into his eyes, causinghim to become very nervous about what she might say next, especially ifit involves a horse. At last she speaks.)

“Thank you, Roger,” she says.

“Thank you,” says Roger.

Then he takes her home, and she lies on her bed, a conflicted,tortured soul, and weeps until dawn, whereas when Roger gets back tohis place, he opens a bag of Doritos, turns on the TV, and immediatelybecomes deeply involved in a rerun of a tennis match between twoCzechoslovakians he never heard of. A tiny voice in the far recesses ofhis mind tells him that something major was going on back there in thecar, but he is pretty sure there is no way he would ever understandwhat, and so he figures it’s better if he doesn’t think about it.

The next day Elaine will call her closest friend, or perhaps two ofthem, and they will talk about this situation for six straight hours.In painstaking detail, they will analyze everything she said andeverything he said, going over it time and time again, exploring everyword, expression, and gesture for nuances of meaning, considering everypossible ramification. They will continue to discuss this subject, offand on, for weeks, maybe months, never reaching any definiteconclusions, but never getting bored with it, either.

Meanwhile, Roger, while playing racquetball one day with a mutualfriend of his and Elaine’s, will pause just before serving, frown, andsay:

“Norm, did Elaine ever own a horse?”

P/S : I guess the moral of the story is, girls, don't think too much. Cause they (guys) are definitely not thinking as much as we do. Lol

Ma vie est mon royaume

2011-11-05T23:46:00.000+08:00

I guess my friend's right. When you have nothing to do, you start to ponder and sometimes you ponder too much that in the end, it's no longer just a thought but instead, a problem.Come to think about it, musing can be so....confusing.

It's a lovely image to see life as a wide white canvas. Then you can paint it with any shape and any colours. But face it, life is more of a maze instead. Walls shooting up every corner of the road and it's impossible to see the end unless you continue with it.God, family and friends are like lights to guide you cause well, if there's no light, you'll end up walking straight into a wall, won't ya?

So what if they're not there? Those lights I mean. You pray, you scream, you wail, but they never came.Do you think you would go astray? Or would you brace yourself nevertheless to find your way out.

I'm in that state right now.

Ah, I wish I could lighten up a bit. Hmm..

2011-11-01T03:28:00.000+08:00

I wrote a full page post. Blogger had a problem. Blogger lost my post.
Saya xsuka childhood friends saya sbb mereka lupa saya. 6 tahun sekolah rendah, siap pegi umah melawat sesama, sekarang diorang together2 balik tapi somehow I was the outcast.Gile kejam

There's so many things in life to be grateful of right?

guilty conscience

2011-10-31T02:49:00.004+08:00

There isn't any valid excuse for me as to why I haven't been blogging much lately. I blame on the lack of interesting events in my life but that's just the pessimist side of me talking. The optimist me would have said that any event can be turned into an exciting one when looked from a different perspective. Bouhaha.

Ok, I should stop procrastinating and probably make use of the (enormous) time I have in front of me. Semangat berkobar2 ni. Malam ni jek, esok malas balik. If you ask me, I'll gladly waste a few more days (or months) lying in my bed, watching tv and all but my guilty conscience told me enough is enough (but I don't feel it's enough!Shadap conscience!). But yeah, caging myself within these four walls ain't gonna do me any good. I should move my rusty limbs, shake my messy hair (which remind me, I should get a haircut) and get a job.

Nevertheless, instead of browsing through available jobs, my fingers deliberately key in places to travel instead.Whoaha, jobless and already planning a vacation.Anyone? anyone? Lol.

Ugh, I miss my life in UK.

Dip D'ingé

2011-10-26T09:19:00.002+08:00

I felt like I haven't left. The only reminder I have are the blue spots on my knees, bruises from the heavy luggage that I had to carry up and down the stairs. What do you expect when a 35 kg lady carry a 20 kg bag? Yeah, French's train stations lack of escalators/lifts.

There, I graduated. Sad to say I don't have a nice picture to show you. Yes I envy you, those who had the opportunity to wear graduation robes, receive lovely flowers, balloons, yada yada..I don't even have a decent picture of my graduation. Left my camera with a friend but unfortunately he can't figure out how to use it. The only pictures I have were mental pictures, which soon will fade as I grow older.

What a celebration....Not.

Meet yaya

2011-10-16T23:52:00.001+08:00

Meet our newest family member : the newborn (ok fine, she's already 4 months old) baby yaya.

yAYa

She was born just two days after my grandmother passed away. She hardly cries and she easily charms everyone around her with her smile.

P/S : I realised I haven't been posting a lot. HmmM...

Fly me away

2011-09-30T06:49:00.001+08:00

Changed the layout and design, still a few things to modify but that's it for now.

I guess it's time to flip the page and start a new chapter?

Journey back home

2011-09-25T01:12:00.002+08:00

I can't remember the last time I jot down anything on this blog. Been moving around a lot lately.Felt homeless at time but grateful nevertheless to have a shelter each and every single day,albeit not mine. Encountered various unfortunate incidents and my adventure doesn't stop here. A week to go before it comes to a full stop (or not).

10 Sept : Moving out from a place that you're just about to get used to is never easy. Neighbours that I've never met, rush hour every morning and evening, fire alarms that triggered when I tried cooking in my sauce pan, ahh, all that is now a distant memories. But Ines apartment was bigger, wider with modern looking kitchen.She had a knack of home decorating which I envy. Leaving my 6 months studio wasn't that bad knowing that I get to stay a week in an even nicer looking apartment :p

15th Sept : The time has come to show my lack of presentation/explanation skill. Tried practicing the night before and lost my voice after two attempts.Hell with it and went on presenting anyway the next day.Was it any good? I had trouble believing when they said it was.They seemed surprised that I can speak LOUDLY. If only they knew that I used to scream and shout a lot when I was younger. I toned down my voice a lot as I grew older, lack of confidence I suppose.

Oh and this was the day I got hold of Mischief, a farewell present from Bradley and Jen.Hmm, I sort of hinted, ok fine, demanded rather discreetly that I was eyeing on Mischief when I came to their house. White and fluffy he was, really an adorable little monster.

16th Sept : Last day at work. LAST day at work.Same sentence playing in a loop and hoovered over my tiny brain.How did I become so attached to that place?My desk, my fume hood, my manual pump!Love every bits of short messages they wrote on my farewell card, who knew short messages as such could be so meaningful to me.

Left work under heavy rain, rushed back to grab my bag pack and off I went to the train station. Direction Edinburgh.I was in for an adventure.

Mishap 1 : 3 kids, a baby and an overstressed mum. Yes she was stressed, and no that is not an overstatement. She literally said 'I'm stressed'. She ordered some alcohol beverage and said 'I need something to calm myself'.It was quite a noisy 3 hour ride to edinburgh by train.We had to endure the constant shouting (mostly the mum), giggling, running, flapping, -ing.Note to oneself : never have 4 children with only a year difference.

Mishap 2 : Reach hotel at 11.30 pm only to find out ..*drumroll please*...that my friend had booked the wrong date. 77 pounds were already deducted from my account yet we're hotel-less. Angry yes, furious, bloody yes..but that would just be unhelpful. Calm down and look for solutions.The receptionist kindly dialed here and there and finally found us a place to stay in what I heard was Haymarket hotel.Called us a taxi (the taxi driver came in the hotel and asked the receptionist the direction) but the bloody taxi driver drove us to Hilton hotel instead. I'm sorry but did we look that rich??Told him to bring us to Haymarket instead, dropped off, charged us extra and.....*drumroll again please*....the hotel was closed, no lights, tight shut.A guy was standing in front of the hotel, he was locked out cause he forgot his keys.

Past midnight and shelter-less, where to now?

I pointed to the hotel across the street, went it and greeted by sounded-like-a-non-english/scottish guy.83 pound a night and told us breakfast included (i don't think my english was that bad to understand that yes the breakfast WAS included and I did ask twice). Finally, a room to shower, and sleep!

17th Sept :
Mishap 3 : Next day, breakfast.As we're about to check out, the receptionist told us that we have to pay 12 quid for breakfast. WHAT?I told him NO, I was told otherwise the day before.'Are you telling me the guy last night lied to us?'. Your reputation was at stake sir, better watch out what you're about to say.He frowned and said ok, never mind, this one was on the hotel.Good, I wasn't about to take out a single penny to pay for anything.

Mishap 4+5 : Took the second last train back to Bradford. The initial plan was Edinburgh-Preston-Bradford. First train boarded but for some unexplainable reason, the train was delayed while we were on the train. Two women besides us was drinking...can after can of beer.Can't understand a word they were saying cause they were pure scottish.They were very very noisy and they smoke artificial cigarette yet I was still able to smell it as they puffed the smoked on my hair (I was in seating in front of them).

Reached Preston, can't really figured out what to do next. Ran out of the train to look at the board and saw that we missed the next train.Wait a minute, or was it delayed??My friend was still on the train and shouted my name (cause I was outside the train looking at the board), all heads turned toward her (she did shout my name like mad).Ran back inside the train and was furious. 'Why didn't you get off the train instead of shouting my name? Now what? What are we supposed to do?This train goes to Manchester, not Bradford!'

Sigh, looked for the train conductor. He told us to stop at Bolton, take a train to Manchester victoria (yes, manchester has a few train stations) and then only take the train to bradford. Crazy night it was.

The two women who sat beside us was supposed to change train at Preston too. They got off at Preston even though they know they probably have missed the next train. I heard them saying 'My dad is bloody dying at Halifax and I have no way of getting there'.We were in a better position than they were, though I have to arrive in Bradford that night by any means, else I'll miss my train to London the next day.

18th Sept : Left Bradford. Forever. =( Joined Amelia in London, high school friend.

19th Sept : London. Met up with Farah, another high school friend.

20th Sept : Left London.Paris...beurgh.

21st Sept: As we walked pass by the Opera in Paris, three young girls approached asking us to sign some papers (their way of asking for money). Kept saying 'excuse me excuse me' and then cornered my friend and practically pushed her to the side. Blank, I didn't know what to do. 'Amelia, keep moving keep moving, hurry' I told her.I tried to get near her, but the three girls were rather violent, the pen that one of the girl was holding almost poked into my eyes during the commotion.We managed to get away, but they were following us. At the traffic light, we pretended to cross but just as everyone were marching forward, I stopped my friend and told her to take another road instead.Scary!

22nd Sept: Shopping in La vallée village.Didn't buy anything there but bought loads of stuff at Val d'europe shopping centre instead.

23rd Sept: Woaa, my bags were heavy, they look like they might be bursting any moment. Reached clermont safely and met with my two juniors.

24th Sept : Met up with Marie for brunch, forgot to bring my camera, nvm, till we meet again at RDD (rémise de diplôme/graduation)

and to be continued...

p/s : wrote all this rather quickly.ain't easy writing while traveling.

some photos stolen from amelia's ipod :

Skinny love

2011-09-10T06:34:00.000+08:00

Let not the dream die.

2011-08-21T03:14:00.003+08:00

As I count the days, I get more and more similar questions from friends and acquaintances.And they're not gonna stop here.

Where do I go from here onwards? What am I planning to do after the internship?

Conversations like this make me ponder on the years I've spent abroad.Those are painful years honestly but they're filled with unforgettable experiences.Patience I said, I still have a month left and my sufferings have not ended.

I make it sound really bad, don't I?

As the conversation continues, all those repressed feelings, depression and unhappy memories were brought to life as if I suddenly understood the real reason why I was...the way I was.In France, there wasn't a single year where I don't feel like a loser.And I blame on the education system and my surroundings.

Everyday I wake up feeling like a piece of s***. I had to drag my heavy feet to school only to expect lecturers looking down on you. I face the days ahead with this constant fear, fear of not knowing where I'm bound to be the next year, whether I'm staying or kicked off to another school.I had to make enormous effort to mingle and all the same preserve my own culture and religion which in return, widen the gap that I try so hard to close. As for my colleagues from msia, sadly to say I was rather unlucky to find really few who open up and make me feel welcomed.

When the opportunity came, I gathered bits and pieces of me and sent it off to a neighboring country.It was the best decision I've ever made.You can make me work till 8pm, make me come on weekend if you want to, throw me a few other projects if needed and I'll tell you, I'll wake up in the morning with no feeling of regrets.Because here, no one made me feel like a loser.And that is priceless.

You see, that is the importance of appreciation and encouragement.How much does it cost to say 'Well done!'? How hard is it to say 'That's very good!'?.Even a card to say 'Good luck' cost less than a pound!

Here,the feeling of happiness come effortlessly. I didn't have to look for it.It's there all around me, in the people that I meet, in the work that I do and in the places that I go to.I'm surprised to say, I am happy.

However, a good story always has a but.Because life is no fairytale.All this will soon come to an end, another chapter waiting for a closure and I know a new one will open up pretty soon.Where will I go and where will I be, I don't want to find out just yet.Let this dream live on a little longer cause it's a dream worth living for.

As for those that I've came to know here, I hope they know that they will always be remembered dearly. Stories will be told, the serious ones as well as silly ones.Nevertheless, it won't be the same as knowing all of you themselves.Ah, if only I could fold each of you in tiny pieces and pack you all in my suitcase...

A no life is a life.

2011-08-18T01:53:00.003+08:00

Things have got to change. I should have a better time management considering I have exactly a month left in this land of Shakespeare.

I wish it would last longer. I don't mind the workload.I don't even mind getting home at 8 o'clock. It does seem like I don't have a life apart from work but somehow I enjoy it.

I have a feeling of freedom here.

And I'm losing it soon.

Damn.

The long overdue birthday present 1 (what, will there be a sequel??))

2011-08-12T01:51:00.006+08:00

So yeah, my birthday was like 2 months ago. Heck, it's been two months, already?

Since no one care about giving me any birthday present (yeah, I feel so loved...not), I thought why not treat myself to a new toy considering I'm a fully grown up lady (I didn't mention anything about being tall,did I?)

I posted a post a long time ago about being itchy of buying something from my wishlist and finally....finally I did!

My lovely toy arrived a week ago (or was it two weeks ago?), and I'm so in love with it.

Picture of me with a picture of me holding my toy taking picture of me.(i love the sound of that)

A new toy in da house.To my DSLR, better watch out dear!

Ok, now let's burn my visa/bank card.

Good life

2011-08-11T06:25:00.002+08:00

I know I haven't been writing much. That's because my life is quite a mess at the moment.And so is my head.In the meantime, enjoy the song...keep ur spirit up!

What does my future hold?

2011-07-25T07:49:00.002+08:00

It's 12.49 am and it's sunday.Oh wait, it's monday.Monday blues!

Do I want to be called a doctor?? I do I do!
Do I want to travel all over Europe? I certainly do!
Will I get to meet tons and tons of people from different countries?? I'm sure I will!
Will it look good in my CV? Hell yeah!

But
Will I ever see my family again? Only god knows..
Will anyone miss me? I don't think so.(even more reason to stay)
Will I ever get married? Probably even later than I anticipated.

So?Verdict?

AAAAAggh *faint*

cutest thing eva!

2011-07-24T22:53:00.000+08:00

BD 8 : Bamburgh

2011-07-24T06:27:00.005+08:00

And my favourite shot of the day...

Tepuk dada tanya selera

2011-07-19T07:21:00.002+08:00

Hi, are you in UK? Can you buy this and this for me? Tgh sale kan kat sana? Tolong eh belikan ni and ni..

Oh lar, u're in France ke? Camtu belikan lah i ni and ni and ni...

Am I all that to you?

Is that all I'm worth?

Too frustrated to give this post a title

2011-06-30T01:42:00.003+08:00

In time of this, I realized who my friends are. To whose shoulder I could cry on, and to whom I can rely on. Sadly to say, they aren't many.

And even worst, how people abuse the use of social network site to bring news (good as well as bad) and put acquaintances before family to give such news.

It's a cruel cruel world.

mama

2011-06-25T21:47:00.004+08:00

Mama.She was my grandmother.Unlike the rest of my cousins, my sister and I are the only ones who called our grandmother, mama. I like to think because we're specials. We're her first grandchildren.

I started to know her at the age of 7. That was when we moved from the north to the capital where she lived. I felt like I know so much yet so little about her.

I was lucky to be able to see her everyday of my schooling days. She was the one who sent me to the religious school. I remembered the day she gave me the Quran as a gift of my first day of religious school. She accompanied me, told me to learn how to read the holy book and everything else that I should know about my religion.

I have bits and pieces of memories of her. Like when I had a toothache, she brought me to the dentist. When my grandfather can no longer drive, she was always there to pick me up when I stayed late in school. She cooked lunch every day for me, and I miss her chilli prawn, which was my favorite.

When I finished high school, she often urged me to stay with her when I came to visit. If it was lunch time, she will definitely invite me to stay and eat with her. Else she would always ask me to sleep overnight at her house. Everytime I made a move to go back home she will say 'Nak balik dah?' and looked at me hoping that I would stay, but I never did.

When it was time for me to go back to France, I would go and kiss her hand, asking her to forgive all my wrongdoings, and she would hug and kiss my cheeks. She would ask me "When will I ever see you again?"

It turned out, we never will.

Because mama's no longer here. Mama's no longer here.

Mama's no longer here.

Mama dah takda.

I'm sorry I didn't get the chance to see you mama. I'm sorry I didn't get the chance to say I really love you. I'm sorry I wasn't there to bid you farewell. I'm sorry for not being there when they closed your eyes. I'm sorry for being miles away and never be there where I know you want me to.I miss u badly mama.I'm so close to finishing this year mama and I promised myself to be back and never again miss any events in my family. But I was too late mama.I was too late for you.

I wish I could see you one last time mama. See you smile, see you laugh.But I guess god loves u more and to Him u belong. I'll pray for u mama.I'll pray for u.

My grandmother passed away Friday 24th June at 9.30 pm malaysian time. Al-fatihah.

Mama, I don't know how to continue my life as normal as possible knowing that when I get back, I won't get to see you anymore. I love u mama.

Who she was, who she is and who she will be?

2011-06-22T05:12:00.004+08:00

Everywhere I go, I bound to meet someone who knows someone who I used to know. I could run miles miles away from where I grew up, jump from a continent to another, hide in the deepest hole I could find, but I just couldn't get away from people that I know. Is the world really that small?

To be honest, I'm tempted to stay. Away from what I once used to know. I'm not convinced that the place I was ever so familiar with hold a better future for me. I couldn't see anything that would make me happy over there besides my family. I couldn't picture me, there......I couldn't picture me, anywhere.

Family, that's the only reason. I only hope that my choice of avoiding regret doesn't turn into regret itself.

Inner peace

2011-06-14T05:03:00.002+08:00

Laughter is contagious. So does tears. Sometimes when you laugh your heart out, you might not realize that your surrounding tends to join with you. and the same when you cry.

I had a horrible day. The minute I left for work, everything went wrong. I broke a glassware, I nearly screwed up my hplc, I almost got hit by a car in the afternoon and I knocked down my compound while setting up a reaction. I had to call it a day and left earlier than expected.

And laughter was my finest cure.

A friend gave me a present today. It's the only birthday present I got this year. Don't get me wrong, the only present that I ever wish for my birthday was to be happy and nothing more.Alhamdulillah, I'm far from being happy, but I'm definitely a step nearer.

Anyway, my friend and I went for a movie after work. For 2 hours, all I did was laugh. Hearing the people behind me laughing so heartily took me out for mere seconds out of reality and out of my bad day. Who knew, all I need was a laugh.

So yeah, laugh, smile, make silly face, shred some tears of joy..hopefully it would turn your bad day around.

p/s : 'Inner peace' , the title was taken from the line in the movie, so take a guess, which movie would that be? =)

BD 7: A bit of this and that

2011-06-12T00:48:00.010+08:00

As it drizzles outside, I'm thankful to be able to retreat in my tiny studio. With a good book and a hot coffee, all I want was to curl under my duvet and dive into a realm of fiction.

Pardonnez-moi, this post is long overdue. How else to explain my absence except the fact that I'm hardly at home.

I had two amazing weeks. Full of celebrations, laughter and a bit of chaos here and there.

Where shall I begin? (You're welcome to skip it if you're not into my crapping for I do love crapping a lot.)

Let see, end of may, may bank holiday (no not maybank but may bank), I went on a day trip with a few msians to Durham. Where is Durham, what's in Durham? I had no idea. Well that is until I got there. If you happen to visit Durham, a place that you might want to pay a visit is the cathedral.The view of the cathedral didn't ring a bell to me but the inside on the other hand, did. Imagine, 2 boys and a girl with cloaks and wands, walking in the corridor, well yeah, Harry Potter! That's where some of Harry Potter scenes were taken.

durham's cathedral (din's camera)

The girls were hilarious when they tried to create some imaginary harry potter scenes and I had to play along. Funny it was, giggling all the way while we were recorded on video by the two boys. A few hours were spent in Durham, mostly for camwhoring, and another few at the city centre. Next destination was the angel of the north, the most visited sculpture in the world where we had our picnic. Here, we met with a few frenchies and these two girls just had to make me have a conversation with them so that they could hear my french *blush*. I have yet to master this language! Sigh.Our final destination was the Tanfield Railway, the oldest railway in the world.Ahh, it was lovely seeing the steam train and men in this charming uniforms like you always see in old movies. =p

tanfield railway

So yeah, that wrapped up my monday.

The coming Friday was another splendid surprise. These girls along with a few other msians here invited me for a dinner after work. So i went, chit chatted with the girls, had a briyani but …the surprise came after dinner. *Drum rolls* a birthday cake! They were planning it all along. I was delighted when the waiters came down the stairs, a birthday cake in hand, singing birthday song…I'm touched, for I barely know these girls yet they were nice enough to celebrate my birthday. Speechless.

hani's iphone, (face tired after work but happy =) )

My real birthday was actually the next day. Friday was in fact far more better than the day of my actual birthday. I was planning to spent the afternoon with my turkish friend who said that she'll bring me to the park but unfortunately, we got lost because she couldn't remember where it was.-_- The day was gloomy and windy, so I suggested that we head back instead of lingering around further to find the park. I left at night to my colleague's apartment where I spent the evening watching movie with her and her friends. Would it be pathetic of me to say that I rather spend the day at home? Oh well, I had my celebration, I shall not ask for more.

Sunday was the day where my colleagues and I went to Haworth. If you're a fan of english literature, I'm sure you've heard of the Brontë sisters, almost as famous as Shakespeare. Haworth was a lovely village in West Yorkshire. I've only heard of the name of one of the books, Wuthering Height and thought maybe it was a good idea to find out what it was all about. So I bought the book for just 2 quid and maybe I'll find the time to read it. We actually walked 6 miles back and forth from the city to further inside the country side in Haworth to what my friend would like to call a waterfall which in my opinion, was overrated. It looked more like a small river and nothing more. Oh well, a bit of nature wouldn't hurt wouldn't it?

beeekkk

would love to have a house on this street

The one unexpected event happening that day was a slight misunderstanding between my two colleagues. What an awful scene it was. But I'm zipping up my mouth as it's a matter between them and it's really none of my business. Clearly I have a preference regarding the matter but then again, who am I to judge?

Tuesday came another birthday celebration for a colleague of mine. Due to this misunderstanding, I don't think some of us had fun. What a pity. I ignored the issue completely and had a good laugh that night with the rest. It was supposed to be her birthday celebration but another colleague of mine baked a cake for the two of us even I repeatedly say that my birthday had passed and I already had my celebration, but she refused my explication and asked me to blow the candle as well. I was afraid the birthday girl was offended even though she didn't breath a word about it but I sensed that she was. Especially since the fact that she told me beforehand that if I want to do a birthday celebration and invite ppl that I want to invite, I would have to make it another day. (Refer to my previous post 'small white lie').

When Wednesday showed up, I had another invitation for a friend's birthday party in Leeds. This one I must attend for she was probably behind the idea of celebrating my birthday. It was the least I could do on a short notice. I took off after work, boarded the train and we all went to eat at a Thai restaurant where the supposedly surprise birthday party take place. Just looking at her, I envy everything about her. She has wonderful friends and family that cares deeply for her and I think she deserved every bits of it.

Thursday, I was invited for a wedding. Wedding? Yeah, wedding. Out of nowhere!.I do refuse to elaborate further more this event and how it came about, and I declined the invitation at the very last minute due to some reason. At the same day, I was also invited to the cinema as a birthday present *big smile* but I postponed it to next week because I thought I was going to attend the wedding. To be honest, I'm glad I did decline/postpone everything because I really needed some rest..Just me and me at home. I can't believe my colleague said I had a hectic social life because he clearly didn't know me very well. Me? Social? get out of here...

Voilà. That summed up my 2 weeks. Hope there's many more to come!

Oly crap

2011-06-06T06:15:00.002+08:00

banyaknye nak storyyy!! but every inch of my body is aching right now.

korang nak baca ke ape yg i nak citer??

kalau ya..well yey, i'm so happy. kalau x, owh takpela, asal korang melawat blog ni? (dgn nada buat2 annoyed)

hehe...story later lah k...wanna do some reading before sleeping..tata.

Small white lie

2011-05-30T05:30:00.002+08:00

A white lie is still a lie, regardless of your intention.

But sometimes white lie is vital when your relationship is at stake.Whether it's friendship, love or even politic, white lie is occasionally necessary.True, honesty is probably the best policy but how many of us can handle the truth?

Often I avoid lying even a tiny lie.I avoid saying what I feel altogether. But human can sense when you're not saying what you really want to say.It's usually written all over my face, my expression often gives me away.

A white lie on the other hand, mask the unnecessary truth. What good the truth does besides destroying the ever so difficult relationship that you built. You don't become friends in a day, and if a tiny lie could save your relationship, why not just go with it?

I'm definitely not implying that lying is the best option, but a tiny lie probably would.I'm freaking tired when people say "I prefer if you tell me the truth" and then goes berserk when they finally found out the truth.Of course, the lie must depend on the situation,like for example I would definitely say come clean if you're cheating with your partner but if it's just to say your you're ugly, then lie dear lie!

Today I almost committed a white lie (as if it's a serious offense?). I'm very much unhappy with a friend's attitude toward decision making which make me feel as if the world revolves around her. I gave in most of the time, because I thought I should tolerate with her wish and probably she would tolerate with mine one day.But she never did. We got into an argument which ended up with me raising my voice saying to drop it and forget about everything. She asked if I was pissed off (which I was) but I lied with an abrupt no as an answer. I rejected an invitation today, saying I had another plan (my white lie) because I know I won't enjoy being around her for a day after our previous argument. I could of course accept the invitation and pretended to enjoy the event, but that would just be another lie, wouldn't it?

Then, I had another invitation from another friend, so basically I don't have to lie at all. I have a reason to reject her invitation prior to other engagement, what a perfect timing! I can enjoy my day without feeling bad having to lie and that, made my day.

So that's the story of my sunday.

Chimie au feeling

2011-05-28T01:02:00.002+08:00

The french love to use english word in their conversation but ironically they don't like to speak english.

Faire quelque chose au feeling. I guess it means doing something by intuition. In my case, it's chimie au feeling. You guess it, chimie means chemistry.

Sorry if I talk a lot bout my work.Can't help it, work makes 80% of my daily life, I can barely run from it.

In the lab, chemistry is a lot about intuition. Believe half of what the journal say, the rest is about reasoning out of experience. A simple example, when the journal says extract with 3 x 30mL of EtOAc, in reality, i think they just chunk in how much they want.When you think it's enough, then it's enough. Leave the reaction for 48h? it's probably the weekend, so that's why they wrote down 48h. Who knows if the reaction actually need only one hour?

It's analogue to cooking. You don't measure how much salt you put in. A pinch is a pinch. It's when you taste it that you know the right amount has been put.

A journal doesn't say everything that you need to know.You just need to figure thing out by yourself which is why it's call research. However, research is time consuming and I'm lack of experience and strategy to handle my project in the most ...hmm...efficient way.

I'm starting to stress out as I only have 3 more months to go before it's all ended. I don't think I've been making a big progress though I really wanted this to be the best experience ever. If I were given a choice to work during the weekend, I'll probably take it.I'm starting to go insane for wanting to work overtime.

Oh dear, I'm going mad.

Eye through the lenses.

2011-05-24T02:10:00.003+08:00

That's me =p

As mentioned before, I have never considered myself as a photographer. I just like to click and see the good quality photos that come out on the DSLR screen.Lol.

For those who love to see unedited photos (like me), here's something that I would like to share with you guys.

Click me

I believe a good photographer is someone who manages to immortalize a moment and see the picture like no other people can. And I don't think photo editing makes u a good photographer, it's just make u a good photo editor.That's all.

Just me crapping as usual.

buhbye.

BD 6 : Social awkwardness

2011-05-23T03:00:00.007+08:00

Lovely Saturday.Really, it was.

So we set of to Ilkley, a small city in the West Yorkshire. A short escapade (more or less). It was really a small city but nothing compared to the city I'm living in right now.I would love to have a house over there with nature just one step behind the door.We took a stroll along the park and then rested beside the riverside. Picture a typical English afternoon in nature ; dogs running around, catching stick in the river, children playing stones by the riverside and parents reading under the shade.Heaven.

Just before we left, we sort of climbed a small hill just half an hour away from the train station but stopped halfway from the top in case we couldn't make it in time for our return train. (Actually I was tired and cold).Even so, we were lucky to be able to see the whole city from where we was.

We took off around 5.30pm, and instead of heading back home, I headed to Saltaire for dinner with my colleague, his gf and my supervisor while the rest of my friends went back home.Gosh, I was super impressed with my friend's cooking : fish wrapped with breadcrumbs for appetizer, roasted lamb for main course (don't worry, it's halal, he was thoughtful) and cheese cake with secret ingredient (he refused to tell me what it was until I tasted it).Boy was I delighted after having tasted the cake and found out what was the secret ingredient! and I'm not going to tell u what it was neither.Oh, and I had the opportunity to taste yorkshire pudding too (and here I thought it was a jelly pudding but it wasn't). I was rather shy to take out my camera and capture every moments of that night (especially when my supervisor was there) , so no photos then.

The funny part was we played PS3 right after maincourse. Us with supervisor, PS3??Somehow I found the idea of PS3 entertainment that night was rather peculiar but apparently it's nothing strange about it (at least to them).It was funny when we played Little big planet and when my friend smacked my supervisor's character in PS3 (he did it quite a few time)."Hey, what are u doing?" my supervisor asked." I just slapped u"..LOL. I got that too from my friend's gf when she slapped my character in little big planet and I gasped seeing my character rolled over the floor.Hilarioooous.

Isn't it nice, having to dissociate work and pleasure and not to fear ur superiors, treating them as equals but all the same with respect. Nevertheless, I still have trouble digesting that idea because this is the first time I encountered such experience. Hope there will be many more to come in the future.

Tschüss!

Me, nerdy?

2011-05-21T05:32:00.002+08:00

So I told my colleague that I'll figure a way to get the nmr software on my computer. I got tired of having to share the computer and not having my own at my workplace. If I could avoid disturbing them, then that is what I should do.

But having a Mac just make it harder.Trying to find a non common software without actually buying one *ehem* and trying to find it's mac version is a half impossible task.

Then I had a brilliant idea (I do think it was quite a good solution) of installing windows on my Mac. So I searched, read, and discovered how to do such illegal *ehem ehem* activity.

It took me 2 days to get it completed (it could be done in a few hours if u have a super fast internet connection unlike mine). In summary VMware Fusion->Windows 7->Mestrenova (the nmr software) and voilà, everything is fully functioning and I'm proud of myself!. (Lepas ni, nak letak adobe photoshop pulaklah).

Yesterday, when my colleague ask me how it went, I told him I'll get it done by hook or by crook! And I added, "I'm not a nerd!"

His respond? "Yeah, u keep telling yourself that!"

Lol.

Semua org pun bley wat....

Start and restart

2011-05-16T00:32:00.003+08:00

There would be times in our lives where we wish to pack our bags, fly to a new place, create a new you and start from scratch.Ok, maybe not all of you, but I'm sure most of us do.

I believe I had that opportunity.The chance to reinvent.

A fresh new start.

And I screwed up.

The flying to a new place, meeting new faces, starting all over part weren't that hard. But the part that I screwed up, was changing who I am.

Be you and nobody else but you. But what if being me making me unhappy?

There's always something about ourselves that we can improve. And that's exactly what I'm trying to do. No one here cares about my past, whom I've met, what I've done, my mistakes, my flaws. I was about to be a new me.

It sounds like a child's play isn't it? That's where I was wrong.

The were so many parts of me remained intact. When I change my style, my dressing, my look, I starts to feel uncomfortable. When I try to speak up, faking my confidence, that's when I start to stutter. When I finally had the courage to step out of my own cocoon, everything goes wrong.

We are who we are.

I know who I am.

I am the girl who have no self confidence because of her age, her look and her size and thinks that others can never see her beyond what their eyes could see. I am the girl who enjoy the company of others, being in the crowd but often finding herself outside of the circle for she doesn't know how to pierce her own bubble. I am the girl who knows that she has potential to achieve a lot of things but often hold herself back because she just doesn't know how to contain her fear of failure.

I am the girl who thinks and rethinks of posting this post because of what she just wrote. Sigh..

I guess you can see why I have so many drafts in my blog? I don't like to state how I feel. It makes me vulnerable. As if you can use my words and my flaws against me.

Because some people already did.

Anyway, changes take a lot of hard work. If u have the same kind of opportunity, don't waste it.

BD 5

2011-05-11T01:15:00.004+08:00

How do you feel when all your hard work go down the drain? When you're stuck and searching the light out but all you see is complete darkness. You search and search for a match, a torchlight, (hp nye screen pun boleh) whatever that shines, but it was nowhere to be found.

My friends...welcome to the world of research..

I think I'm going mad. There would be times at my workplace I feel like knocking my head over and over again on my desk but I restrain myself from doing so to avoid stares from my colleagues. Even if I didn't do such thing, I think they can quickly see from my expression how frustrated I was.

I've been working on the same compound for weeks! God knows how many silica dust have I inhaled and I hate delaying getting a clean product (Sorry, the chemist speaking). "It was rubbish", my colleague love that phrase and I'm starting to say the same thing bout my compound."You're a mess", another colleague said and yes I was."But what if it doesn't work?" I asked my supervisor and his reply? "It will!"..Gosh, these people are optimist.

so yeah, that's the update of my life. my dull life.like ronald mcdonald would say "I'm lovin' it!"

Show your soft side

2011-04-30T20:12:00.004+08:00

Nope, I have not abandoned you bloggie, it's the internet who had abandoned me. I'm holding my hand as not to point finger to the bad accommodation management and say my blessing instead.

As usual, wrote a few entries and deciding not to post it. Either too personal, too lame, too many bad words or just simply not worth reading.

So, I can only come up with this :

If only any man could turn into that!..huhu

beeeeeber

2011-04-17T08:43:00.007+08:00

it's almost 2 am in the morning and i can't sleep ..so here's a post.

in most labs that i've worked (or currently working) in, there were always a radio lying around and i guess these scientists love to give some music to their reactions. well, you know how radio is, they play the same playlist over and over again and sometimes the music just stuck to your head but you don't necessary know who sing the songs.god knows how many song stuck in my head at the moment (one of it was adele, yeah i didn't know who she was in the first place) and there was also this :

didn't know she's filipino and what i found entertaining was ..this :

take that bieber!...don't know y u're such a music phenomena right now?

allez, allons faire dodo.

BD 4

2011-04-15T04:51:00.009+08:00

suke..ade matahari...budak2 sumo tu sungguh comei, pakai je baju sumo, ready nak lompat...it was funny..

adeih, x biasa ade fringe, sket2 masuk mata

Sunday ramble

2011-04-11T04:07:00.003+08:00

A few years ago, I spent the summer in France for summer french classes (not to mention, swimming and sailing classes). So when I got back in Msia, I was....black.I mean dark due to constant exposure to the hot burning weather in summer. My mom was confused for she thought that you should turn fairer if you stay in european countries (cause you don't see sunshine all year long like msia does). I didn't really appreciate the remarks when friends and family commented on how dark I became so since that day onwards, I promised myself to slap tons of sunscreen on sunny days on my skin and probably avoid sunbathing altogether as I turn to the color of burned toast after few hours under the sun. It's really weird for I even had a comment from a friend that goes "Sorry to say, but you're kind of dark to me". So??As if being dark is a bad thing that you should be sorry for.

This is the kind of mentality that I loath the most. Somehow, we (as in msians) think that fair equals to pretty whereas here it's the total opposite. To them (europeans) a light brown colored skin means a healthy skin (because they think that they're white like a ghost). And here, don't even dream of finding a skin lightening cream and be prepared to see a suntan cream instead.

I guess I was self conscious because all of my family members (girls/women) have light colored skin (thanks to my grandfather's family who has chinese look) and I'm the odd one. I get worried staying too long under the sun but that makes outings difficult for me simply because these ppl (as in everyone that I've met here) love to just sit in the park under the glaring sun and enjoy the warmth of early summer.

well, i just spent two whole days under the sun, and don't be surprised if i look like the back of your cooking pot when you see me back in msia...

bye.

BD 3

2011-04-09T01:13:00.006+08:00

To my dearest friend who asked me to write I-don't-exactly-know-what about the place I'm currently staying, here goes.

I usually try to fill my weekend with activities and trying hard to persuade a colleague of mine to accompany me to neighboring town. Anyway, last week, I went to Omar Khan's which is a curry's house among tons of others in this tiny city.Yep, the indians and pakistanis (or English but originated from India/Pakistan) make up like 80% of the population in this city so finding a halal curry house is really not an issue. I had a chicken tikka masala with nan which I couldn't even finish (and I thought I was famish enough before the meal) . The food were great, mouthwatering and worth every penny (ok maybe not to my tiny stomach cause I don't eat a lot).

Admiring the food, trying to figure out what's inside before savoring everything.

My chicken tikka masala

The next day I went to Leeds which is just 20 min away by train. The sky was mostly undecided since it rained, and then it went straight to being sunny and back to being cloudy in just a day. I felt like I had 3 seasons in just one day (winter excluded since it wasn't snowing lol). Leeds is way way way better than where I am staying (at least u see more English ppl than here, which is kind of the point if you're in UK isn't it?). The city is slightly bigger, with better architectural design, and felt more UK-like heh.

Some small shopping mall. I bet my sis would love this place because they sell lots of handmade crafty items.

Loaded with branded shops.

Oh yeah, maybe it's worth mentioning, I'm still not confident enough carrying my dslr around. Maybe because ppl always think, oh u have a dslr, u must know how to take good pics but the thing is, I don't. I just like the quality of the photos taken by dslr. So for now, I'm just carrying my digital cam where the pic quality disappoint me most of the time.

Well, tomorrow I'll try to make a plan to another city, and Sunday, I'll probably be in Saltaire having picnic with my colleagues....

Loving my weekends!

BD 2

2011-04-02T00:29:00.006+08:00

It has only been two weeks and I'm already up to my eyes with work, inside and outside the workplace. I'm not complaining , just stating a fact.So far I enjoy the workload and I like the working style here.

Things that I find cool at my workplace :

The fact that you have to go through 6 doors with a specially activated card just to get to my desk, kind of make me feel special. It's a well secured institute. I don't however have access to the animal testing floor and I'm pretty much intrigued by the work done over there.
I get to run my own NMR tests which is pretty cool since I've never been to a NMR room before. Nevertheless, it doesn't mean that I'm content with the result of my NMR tests :/
I don't have a fix working hour. I manage my own time the way I want it. So if I feel like coming in at 10am, so be it.
I work unsupervised, and I mean really unsupervised. There's no one behind my back to tell me what I should do or how should I do it. The pHd student who works with me often offers his opinions but never in any case, tells me what I should and shouldn't do. My supervisor checks on me once a day but just to see my progress and never did he offer any advice.

The uncool part :

We have to attend a seminar every Friday. Some of the seminars were interesting but the fact that they are held at lunch time just make me (or rather my tummy) unhappy.
We have homework....and I mean literally homework, once a month.
I don't have my own computer to work with...That's very inconvenient.

Oh, as promised, my shelter for the next 6 months :

Alright, going to some curry house for dinner with colleagues tonight...Cheers!

to whom it may concern

2011-03-27T04:51:00.003+08:00

If u happen to be someone that I used to know, a msian and currently residing in Russia, please don't visit my blog. Thank you.

p/ : but if u happen to be my ex schoolmate, then it's ok =)

BD 1

2011-03-27T01:38:00.010+08:00

Alone, abroad and a fresh new beginning.

6 months to live a different life. Taste, smell and feel the differences. Sound exciting isn't it? Or probably a tad scary.

I had a bad start. I almost had to postpone my work here due to some issues that appeared at a very last minute. I was convinced that I didn't need any visa to enter UK in order to carry out my internship for three reasons. First, I have a friend who studied in F and who did his internship in London without any visa for 3 months. Second, I emailed the world bridge service mentioning all the possible details of my intention of going to UK and the respond that I received from their part clearly showed that I did not require any visa. Last but not least, as I entered UK, I showed a letter from my supervisor and I entered without any problem at all. So why oh why did the university here made such a big fuss about it?

Ok, clearly they're worried that they might be doing something illegal which I can't blame them for taking necessary precautions. However, I appreciate if I were to be informed sooner of their disagreement to my being in that university. For now, my problem has been partially resolved as my supervisor had a brilliant idea of going around the problem and reasoning in a different way. Nevertheless, one problem often leads to another, but no need to go into details. The important thing is, I'm here right? So, game on!

Anyway, love my new studio : Flat screen, double bed, heater, kettle, microwave, hot plate, unlimited wifi, all bills included...heck i even have my own fire extinguisher!. Here's a sneak peek of how it looks like :

I'll probably take better pictures when it's sunny, cause now, it's just cloudy. In my opinion, it looks nicer early in the morning as my room is basically facing the rising sun.

More soon.Cheers!

going around the problem

2011-03-25T03:16:00.003+08:00

I know, I think for those who know me, it's safe to say that they probably think that I wanna write a post about my internship.Surprisingly, I don't. I just don't feel like it.Not yet.

It was hard getting here, to where I am right now. Even the issue that I'm dealing with is not fully resolved. I dare not point finger to anyone, it was probably better for me to say that god's testing my patience. Is He?

And now I see a pattern starting to form itself. A daily routine, that I hope will change sooner or later. Ok, maybe it's too early to tell, but knowing me, it probably will stay the way it is. Nevertheless, I'm still hoping it won't.

Gosh, I'm tired.

auld lang syne

2011-03-18T09:00:00.009+08:00

As the lecturer called for a short break after explaining our lab experiment,most of the students left for their 'ice-breaking' session. In just one second, the lab was practically empty but I stayed transfixed in front of the blackboard, pretending to digest the newly given information but in reality, I was unsure of where to go. Then she approached me, "Ca va?", she asked. Everytime anyone ever ask me that question, I often feel like blurting out what I really feel and at that moment I wanted to say 'No, I don't know where to go and I feel really like a foreigner here' but instead I replied "ca va, un peu dur mais c'est normal, ca va prendre un peu du temps".I expected her to nod and turn away since I supposed that the question was just a way of being polite considering we were the only two persons left in the lab but she continued by saying "Tu sais, je comprends si c'est dur, c'était dur pour moi aussi au debut mais si tu rencontres des difficultés, tu peux toujours nous consulter". Nous as in the french? I wasn't convinced that french people would ever be so friendly with me.

That was 3 years ago,the first time she ever talked to me.Today? She's one of the person that I love the most. She was the one I called and cried with when I thought I was going to fail. She hugged me when she found out that she passed her year considering she failed her first one. I was the first person to know that she was going to work for Michelin. She begged me to go to gala with her knowing that this year is our last year together. And today, today, I saw her cried when I said "adieu".

How do you put 7 years of memories in the past and move on? How can you leave a place where you basically build your life and circle of friends and move on? How do you...... move on?

I never knew I was worthy of those tears. I never knew I was worthy of anyone's tears. And only when I saw them, that I knew I was being loved. I underestimated certain people where I thought I remained a foreigner in their eyes but the truth is, I did made a small impact in their life and if only they knew, their presence made even a bigger effect in mine.

For what it's worth, even the smallest detail will be engraved in my memories.I will miss Léa for her weird habit of putting sugar on kiwi, I will miss hearing Coralie say "I'm not used to walking on flat surface" (because she practically wear only heels -_-), I will miss Marie for her super delicious cakes and brownies and secretly wishing that she will make more!, I will miss Audrey for she always senses when something is wrong with me and then give me big hugs, I will miss Aleph for he often doesn't give a damn of what I say, then do his silly dance in front of me (but deep down I know he cares), heck I will even miss Kevin for his killer strategy in every board games that all of us play.

I'm already missing Alex for she sometimes get addicted playing with my Iphone during conferences and I too miss Qi for we once had a phone conversation that went 'Allo, c'est qi'.'Qui?''C'est qi!''Mais vous voulez parler avec qui?''Non,C'est qi!!'(It was a very confusing phone call!!fyi, it's hard to hear the difference pronouncation between qi and qui).And I miss Angeline too for our little chats on boys during lab sessions which often made Marie unhappy (sorry marie =p ....)

Last but not least, I will miss Virginie the most for she gave me the comfort that I could never get from any other friends I've ever met.

And now, it has come to an end.

An absolute end.

Don't think about it.

2011-03-13T18:50:00.002+08:00

Don't think about it.

Don't think about it.

Don't think about it.

Don't think about it.

Don't think about it.

Don't think about it.

Don't think about it.

Don't think about it.

Don't think about it.

.
.
.

I'm hurt.
=(

King of anything

2011-03-10T20:12:00.000+08:00

It's kind of a funny story

2011-03-07T02:36:00.003+08:00

It's far from being an oscar winning story, yet it's by far one of my favourite movies. It was presented with a small dose of humor, a little bit of romance but most importantly it reflects a reality, maybe not yours but certainly was, probably still is or going to be..mine.

I'm not a movie critic, nor I'm here to make a review of some movie you've never watched or never going to be interested in watching but this story is somehow closely related to how I've felt/been feeling. Things happen in life and we don't necessary know why but it never stops us from wondering or search to understand the reason that lies behind a life event.

For someone who has all the elements to be happy, he's everything but.

So if you have the time and couldn't think of anything to do, here's something u can watch. Click here.

He not busy being born is busy dying.

-Bob Dylan-

cheers =)

Apples of my eyes

2011-03-05T08:21:00.008+08:00

Yes apple, apple and apple. Can you imagine buying a computer with a durian logo on it instead?

We should definitely start a new trend. It could a be hit!

I can't wait to savor these mouthwatering apples...Yummy.

But I can't imagine perfumes with the smell of ..erm...durian??

Ok, pointless thing to say.

Btw, had a few "adventures" these few days:

5 days, 3 countries and one mishap.

It was actually a work related trip to England and supposedly 3 days vacation in Ireland. Somehow, due to our negligences and I would say partly the airport's fault too, it became a 2 days England and 2 days Ireland trip or more like 1 day England, 1 day nonsense and 2 days Ireland trip. In consequence, I'm £100 poorer. Oh well, a lesson learned and I'd have a story to tell my future children.

I'm eager to work on my future research projects. I really hope the drug that I will be working on goes into clinical trial and I sincerely wish that I will give a great contribution on the development of the second drug. It's kinda cool being able to work in cancer research facility. Hope I won't screw this opportunity !! Go M go.

Dublin was fine I guess, it lacks of interesting places to visit. I guess like Athens, I should visit the outside area of Dublin to further appreciate the Irish culture but luck just wasn't on my side.

So with that, I end my post. Thank you for reading or browsing ~~or picking your nose while skimming through~~ my post.

The so called "networking"

2011-02-19T06:31:00.004+08:00

4 years ago my friend asked me "hey, are u on facebook". I was like..."What's a facebook?".

Then he started showing me his page and this colourful circle (yes it's a circle with colours) where it showed how he's "connected" to another person...(i don't know if that application still exists in fb). I kind of ignored him and showed very little interest to his look-at-this-amazing-networking-site demonstration.

Then 3 years ago, my sister told me to join fb. Again I showed little interest but she urged me to join because she wanted more friends to be in her "Pet Society" (yeah, it's a game). Bored as I was, I joined fb solely for the game. She was very good at influencing me (then again, she's my only sister, whose footsteps do I follow if not hers?). I got addicted to the silly game where u feed ur pet, decorate it's house, etc etc. In case u haven't noticed, fb is rather a nasty application that has it's way of making money especially through games but thank good I never put my money just to buy a bathtub for my pet (-_-) which does sound ridiculous. Oh but they are those who really did throw their money in this games, all for the sake of an addiction.

My fb has come a long way since then, I no longer play any of the fb games (partially thanks to my busy timetable) and somehow I'm starting to hate more and more this social application.

Just think about it, how far did we get carried away with it? When someone rejected our request to be his/her friend, we get offended? When someone slipped out some nasty word about us on his/her wall, we started a war? And now wedding invitations through fb?

I am, just like u, a "victim" of this modernization. I do get irritated when I get rejected to be someone's fb friend. I do feel left out when someone didn't reply my post on his/her wall. I even get jealous seeing how an old schoolmates reconnected with another yet seems to have forgotten about me even though I'm in their fb list. What stunned me the most is I easily get annoyed with most of the feeds that I read yet I still don't know why I continue reading them.

Fb is no longer "just" a social website. Some people even see it as a commodity. Strange but surprisingly true. It's a powerful medium of networking that even leaders and politicians are being swept through this "fbooking" activities. No wonder Zuckerberg became one of the richest man in the world.

Back to why I dislike fb. I had a series of unfortunate incidents on fb like one time, I wanted to add a family member of mine and then it says "This user has too many friends"..How can u have too many friends? There's no such thing as having too many friends. And then , there's a stalker who added me to stalk for his sis (yeah u, if u happen to read this, I am talking bout u). I have nothing to hide in my fb and my life is pretty lifeless that I don't think u'll find anything interesting for ur sis whoever u r. Then there's someone who added me and somehow our relationship turned from good to sour and ended with awkwardness (yeah u, if u happen to read this too, shooooo, go away from my blog. I hope u know who u r). Oh and I don't think u guys actually want me to go to ur wedding, it's just that u send the invitation to everyone in ur list because clicking is simply easier than licking envelopes and I just happen to be in ur list, right?

Ok, that paragraph does make me sound like an antisocial. I'm sorry, it's just that I really appreciate those who know the value of friendship instead of being just cyber friends...

I'm keeping my fb for one simple reason : it's convenient. Majority of us are followers, and since majority of us have fb, it's just easier if others have it too. I'm stingy when it comes to sms because I pay a lot for my phone line and since my smses cost me a fortune and my internet is included in my line, might as well log in to fb to send a msg to my friend like "Hey, I will be late for project this afternoon, got an appointment" and voila, instant msg sent and since my friends have fb, they too save money on their smses. It's a win-win situation. And there also a few people that I like to keep in touch with and fb just seems an easy way to keep myself updated (not the daily update, god knows how much I hate that) with their life.

If not because of that, I would have deleted my fb.

....Just me rambling before sleep as usual...

EwwW..lol

2011-02-18T02:59:00.002+08:00

FOund this while I was blog hopping....

I had a good laugh....

Ahh..malaysians will always be malaysians

Damn I miss home

Do me justice!

2011-02-14T06:51:00.003+08:00

ugh, UUgh, UUuuuUUUGhhhh

I could babble non stop expressing my dissatisfaction but a simple UUghH seems more coherent with what I'm feeling right now.

Do u know how much I hate what I'm going through right now. School for one thing is a stupid BIg joke. Yeah it is. They crammed a week of exams with almost a last minute notice whereas they could just spread it among weeks where we basically had no classes at all. We could have managed our study time but NooOO, why make thing simple when u can complicate things even more heh?Weekend, after a struggling week, they decided to FORCE us to come to school for open day, promoting school to parents, putting up some good words so that they will be tempted to join this horrible school....well guess what, I feel like screaming while telling those parents to run far far far away if u love ur child because trust me, she/he will definitely suffer in this school, i bet u don't want that! And just today, sunday night, I just found out I have another one more exam this friday. Wtf? That wasn't on the timetable last friday and now, puff, it came out of nowhere.

And oh yeah, I have like tons of brothers right now, please I don't want another one. Big family doesn't mean a happy family.

Ain't a knife enough? Or should I offer a gun?

GagagaLaa

2011-02-10T19:39:00.003+08:00

A pure heart

2011-02-01T07:37:00.004+08:00

It's the caffeine talking again. Yep, a good dose of caffeine will just keep you awake and then you'll regret taking it knowing that u'll need some zzzz.

People often say to me, like my parents for example, that good people just doesn't exist anymore. At one point in my life, I just started to believe that it's true, good people just doesn't exist anymore. And my belief grows even stronger when it's proven to be true. Series of experiences and encounters tell me that almost everyone has a hidden agenda.

It had then become my source of quick judgment and ill thinking toward others. When I meet a person, I can only think of how unintentionally sadist that person could be to me because 99% of the people that I've met were proven to be so. There's the kind of people who hide behind their religion, thinking that they're on the right path and since they think that I'm beyond repair, they just categorized me as oh-you're-so-going-to-hell-so-let's-just-not-bother. There's also the kind who acted nice because I have something or will have something that may be useful to them. Another kind is the one who treat u like whether u're here or u're not here, it makes no difference...u know, kind of like a passerby.

Forgive me if u feel like u're among those people but if u don't, well good for u. I'm actually self-criticizing. I do sometimes find myself being those kind of people. For example, when I offer a helping hand, deep inside me, I couldn't help wishing that maybe by helping out, one day this person will return the favor when I'm in need of help. How many of us who really seriously help others without that tiny thought lingering around? I don't know, maybe I'm wrong.

However, I was given the opportunity to meet the 1% of whom I called good people. They're truly pure at heart and sometimes I just couldn't help rubbing my eyes over and over again thinking that I'm probably dreaming. How on earth did they land among us? And how did they survive?Nevertheless, our rencontre was often brief and I never had the chance to learn more from these people. Who knows, maybe I would have changed if only I was given the time to stick just a little while longer around them. They have unique temperamental behavior, always offer words of kind and optimist advices, uneasily disturbed by the hardship endured in daily life. I really wish I know how to be them but I have too much anger and grudges buried in me that I've often transformed it into negative thoughts. Can you imagine, when someone refuses to help me, I would already think he hates me. Like right now I'm even thinking that there're probably some readers who spotted few english mistakes while reading this post, and laughing at my attempt to write something in english yet fail to accomplish a good well written tale of emotional distraught and their brain would probably say "kalau tak reti tulis english, baik takyah tulis". Me on the other hand would prepare a counter argument like "kalau tak practice, mana nak reti, so kalau salah, ajarla". Heh, I do let my imagination run wild.

I don't know why I wrote this post anyway. Maybe because I haven't written anything that I considered worth writing for a long time. Or maybe because there's a good people that I've met recently but knowing that I will be leaving soon, I didn't really get the chance to be close to him/her. Dommage..

Right....I mean...Wrong

2011-01-27T00:32:00.001+08:00

Gahh....Tiap2 hari makin worst je.....Gahh...

Let there be light when all hope is gone

2011-01-23T06:58:00.003+08:00

Just my muse before closing my eyes.

It had been a blissful day. Sure it was -9 and the sun wasn't exactly smiling but everything else was wonderful.

The pleasure of pleasing other people's stomach and the wonderful feedback you get in return was worth waking up early in the morning. Seeing their awkward hand gesture trying to spoon in the rice was funny enough. Seeing their lips became red due to the not-that-spicy-to-me sambal and them sipping the cold mango juice every 2 min was even funnier. I should do this more often...I think. Nah, not to see them ridicule themselves but because I know they like it, at least they say they do. My dear dear friend even took back the remaining nasi lemak that I cooked because she adores it! It's more than a compliment to me. Who would have thought these so called orang putih actually like malaysian food, not to mention, my cooking!

My afternoon was spent in the fitting room. Poor dear dear friend, who had to bear with me, wanting this wanting that then rethinking about wanting it, and putting it back only to take it back again. She was patient and I don't know anyone ever so patient with my uncertainness. Pat on the back dear dear friend. Pat on the back. Being a girl-but-not-a-shopaholic, came back with three items but none that I sought after in the first place. SO yeah, that one item I must find, I will find it because I have to, not because I really want to but I was left with no choice (My dear dear friend told me I have to come to this event or else she'll hunt me down and drag me with her, so if I don't find this one item, how do u expect me to go to this event?).Gah..

Dinner was splendid too. Lovely two juniors who to my surprise, gave me a good dose of self-assurance that I always needed. Like a boy and a girl scouts, ready to help whenever I need them, if only they knew how touched I was with their kind offers. A friend in need is a friend indeed. Oh, how I will miss them when all this, when alllll of this....disappear.

There..there....

Let's sleep and hope this dream will continue...

The cold brutal fact

2011-01-17T03:55:00.002+08:00

At first, I thought it was kinda cool that the winter sale is finally here. I was kinda surprised too to see that people actually queue up before the shops open just for the sake of ...shopping. Their eager brightly lit faces seeing -50% -70% tag all over the places kind of make me want to ....shop.

So yesterday, I went for....shopping. Well..I thought I was.

After a few hours of wondering in the midst of eager looking shopper...the hard cold fact just hit me. I'm never gonna buy anything no matter how much I wanted to. Why?

Cause there wasn't anything for me.

I'm just a sad devastated lady trapped in 4'9" body who will never find any adult looking cloths that fit! Arghh.

Mood : Self hatred.

It's itchy!

2011-01-05T03:22:00.006+08:00

Can u see my wishlist on the left? U know, the one written "Dear Santa".

In case u haven't notice, the list has narrowed down considerably. But now, I'm ITCHING, like really ITCHING to buy one of the remaining things that I listed in the list (not gonna tell u which one, not yet).

It's all because, when I was wondering with my sister in La Fayette Paris, I stumbled upon one of the similiar "thing" from the same manufacturers and I was like...WHOA, I want this..seriously, I got to have this. But I bit my lips and shoved my hands in the pocket, holding myself back thinking, I'm not gonna have any place to fit this in my luggage (as I was traveling at that time).

And now that I'm back home, what's stopping me from clicking the button "BUY"? Nada! Niente!!!

Oh wait, money. yeah, that's right.

Funny really, when I shop for my groceries, I often list down things that I want to buy but as soon as I reach the supermarket, my needs to buy the listed things just go away. So I usually buy fewer things (but often replaced with useless things instead). Girls huh....

Hey don't be sexist!

Sooo....should I buy or shouldn't I?

Knowing me, I think there's a big possibility I will, even if not in the immediate future, I surely will, one day!!

Sooooooooooooonnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn

2011 alreadY?

2011-01-03T03:52:00.003+08:00

Throw confetti...Blow the party pipes.....Shoot some fireworks....yey -_-

I spent my new year's eve sleeping, alone in bed with mickey. What's the hush anyway?

When I talk about a year, my mind often function differently. I just tend to follow the school year instead of the normal January-February... year. So my year begins in September instead of January cause that's when school starts.

I don't make resolutions neither cause by the end of the month, I would already forgotten what it was. Why can't everyday be the start of something new and exciting instead of waiting for a new year? Recharge and restart. Make short goal and see if u can achieve it, right? Instead of making a long term one and not sure where it's going in the middle of the year.

Well sure, some needs longer time to put in practice but break it down to smaller ones and step by step, u'll be on ur way.

Heh....Look who's talking....talk and no action..yep, that's me...

Btw, to Iphone users, did u guys suffered from alarm mishap? It turns out there's a bug running around.Check this. No wonder my alarm didn't go off and hence I missed my morning prayers. So now I must set my other alarm (thank god I have a digital alarm clock too which I don't really like to use though) and get ready to face the same ol' routine over again...

Oh how I miss Roma!

Peeps, let's go to Barcelona? Pretty please.....

P/S : Of course I would still wish u guys a happy, prosperous, full of success and a wonderful year! Amen!

Home at last

2011-01-01T16:22:00.011+08:00

It is good to have an end to journey towards; but it is the journey that matters in the end.

Ursula K. LeGuin

It's not the beginning nor the end, but the overall journey that I will definitely cherish. I'm not going to recount the whole experience, that will just bore you till death but it's worth making a few anecdotes to myself as not to forget what I've experienced.

We set off (my sis and I) with 6 layers of clothes and still, we shivered. This year, Paris suffered from serious weather condition. The temperature was below normal season temperature and my stays in Paris was welcomed with either rain or snow. Paris doesn't awe me like it did the first time I stayed there and I don't think it charmed my sis neither but that was probably due to the coldness.

It was hard taking the photo with one hand holding the umbrella and the other with the camera

The funny part of our stays was that we met with a Malaysian family on the way out of Disney Studio, and somehow they decided to take pic with us (I forgot to ask their name lol) and the father said to fizah, my sis and me "Pakcik tadak anak pompuan, anak pakcik 3 laki nih jela, so bolehlah tumpang harini''...Sempat lak, haha...It was like a hye and a bye because I don't even know how we're supposed to keep in touch since neither one of us took their numbers (or at least their facebook email).

My sis and me on the way to the airport

(Thanks fizah for taking the pic)

The two were having fun camwhoring

The day of Christmas, the sun just suddenly decided to show it's face and that was the day we left for Roma. Well, I guess it was a good thing, cause most of the planes were cancelled since the beginning of the holiday and ours wasn't.

Roma was superb! With amazing views and good companies, I did have a good time in Italy. Even the Italians were friendly towards us (There was even a lady who tried to show us a direction even though we didn't exactly ask for one lol).

Xtau ape kami tgh wat

Perasan macho

I met with a batchmate at the Colosseum and together with the rest of the other malaysians who came with him, we took a guided tour around the monument and I think that's the only historical place that I like compared to the rest. We also visited Pisa and Firenze and I love those lovely tent shops around Firenze streets! Too bad I didn't take any picture of them (Yep, due to the coldness, I was lazy to take out my DSLR).

Funny though, cause the people behind looked suprisingly calm considering these 3 acted like the building was going to collapse..haha

I dreaded the day we got back to France as I know our trip was nearing to it's end and seeing one by one leave (as I'm the last person to leave Paris) just make me sad =(

The last day in Paris was spent under the Eiffel Tower with my sis (luckily the weather was sunny) and I arranged a get together with Aleph, Dina and Mathias at Forum des Halles for a coffee.

The kid who wouldn't stop coming at us and finally posed in front of the camera

And....that's it.

Back to reality now.

P/s :

A little bit of Italian that I picked up during my stay in Italy

Signore signora : Ladies and gentleman

Buongiorno : Bonjour/ Hello

Buona sera : Bonsoir/Good evening

Grazie molto : thank you very much

Prego : Welcome (they used a lot of this word for other stuff too , but I'm not sure what)

Dritto : Straight ahead

A destra : Right

A sinistra : Left

Bueno Natale : Merry Christmas

Ciao : Hello/Bye

Will slip in more photos later..Hard to choose since I have more than 600 of them.

Be back soon!

2010-12-19T04:02:00.001+08:00

complete randomness for the weekend

2010-12-12T19:19:00.002+08:00

Walk the walk

Radical Face

2010-12-08T02:01:00.002+08:00

Sleep don't visit, so I choke on sun. And the days blur into one.

And the backs of my eyes hum with things I've never done.

Sheets are swaying from an old clothesline,

like a row of captured ghosts, over old dead grass.

Was never much, but we made the most.

Welcome Home.

Ships are launching from my chest. Some have names, but most do not. If you find one, please, let me know what piece I've lost.

Peel the scars from off my back. I don't need them anymore. You can throw them out or keep them in your mason jars.

I've come home.

All my nightmares escaped my head. Bar the door, please don't let them in. You were never supposed to leave. Now my head's splitting at the seams. And I don't know if I can...

Here, beneath my lungs, I feel your thumbs, press into my skin again.

-Such a deep lyric heh-

Welcome home

2010-12-05T23:12:00.008+08:00

A promise is a promise...

Welcome to my humble room which will last only till March next year

Whole view..I know, not really decorative whatsoever.

I realized that I've lived in 5 different rooms since the day I landed in France..I've been moving around a lot and home is nowhere and everywhere to me.

As long as I have a shelter and most importantly a heater, I'm grateful enough!

Now ur turn, where's ur pics?

Close ur eyes and let the song takes u away ..

=)

Time is my enemy

2010-11-30T04:46:00.003+08:00

Excuse my absence, I'm buried under tons of work.

FYI, i even feel guilty posting this post cause I should be doing more work instead.

It's horrible. When I 'm cooking, I'll be going back and forth between the stove and the printer to save time printing some documents. When I eat, one hand in the plate and the other tapping on the keyboard looking for scientific journals on the computer. And when I thought of watching movies/series, I'll watch while doing my hw! And when I sleep.....I no longer dream...cause I'll drop dead and forget about the world till finally I open my eyes and realize that it'll be the same routine all over again.

Gosh, I just want to lie back and do absolutely nothing without guilt.

I just can't, can I?

P/s : To a dear friend of mine who asked me to post some photos, I'm sorry, I'll steal some time later on the weekend to post them ok?

I even had to turn down some outings activities cause I feel like I'm lacking behind in class..sigh....

Kerna aku..

2010-11-21T20:55:00.002+08:00

WARNING ! This post contains excessive use of Mang-frechie-glish (mix of malay, french and english)

Tiba2 aku terasa nak membebel, so kalau taknak baca, tolonglah gi main jauh2 ok.

Aku baru je habis baca notes utk exam next week. Dah berkali2 gak aku baca, tapi aku frust sbb aku tak dpt nak igt semua. Tajuk class tu medicaments , maknanya medicines lah tu dlam french. AKu kena hafal 20 lebih kot jenis2 medicines utk 3 jenis penyakit. Yg paling sakit hati kena hafal nama dan rupa molecule dia. Benci, macam mana korang2 yg blaja medic boleh hafal eh? Sket2 aku sure lupa nama dia, apakan lagi rupa dia yg besar gedabak. Blaja mmg interesting tapi nak igt, oh itu jauh sekali. Sigh, doakan jelah utk aku hari selasa ni k.

Sejak september dulu, kelas aku gila babeng. Diorang cakap patutnya final year dah relax sket, tapi aku rasa macam keja aku tak penah putus2. Nanti dah abis study, nak kena cari keja pulak, pun keja tak putus2 lagi.SO bile aku boleh rehatnyeeee???? Haih.

Aku buat keputusan utk pegi ke UK next year. Buat internship kat sana 6 bulan. Kadang2 aku tanya diri sendiri, adakah aku gile utk pegi sorang2 ke negara asing. Tak sama wooo dtg france dan pegi UK. France nih aku dtg dgn budak2 JPA, adelah jugak org yg sama nasib ngan aku, tapi kat sana, aku pegi seorang diri...Aku tak pasti samada aku mampu. Tapi aku separuh nekad (separuh je?), ye separuh je nekad nak gi sana sbb y en a marre!! . Maksudnya aku dah tak tahan tgk org puteh kat sini. aku tak tahulah org putih kat uk lagi better ke tak, tapi yg pasti aku perlu ubah environment aku. dok sini buat aku depressed jek.

Internship tu dah dpt tapi process utk memastikannya sgt sgt slow.Sbb aku terlampau byk keja kat sini sampaikan aku dah tak boleh nak prioritize mana yg perlu buat dulu. Aku benci directeur des études (err, cane nak translate? org yg in charge timetable kitorang lah) sbb timetable dia sgt2 pack. boleh tak antara kelas, aku nak gi toilet pun teragak2 sbb bile masuk kelas lambat dah kena bising? dahlah aku ni suka makan antara kelas (bukan suka tapi terpaksa) sbb kalau tak nanti perut aku bunyi, so sendiri malu kan. project2 pun tak terjalan sbb bile mahu buat dah kalau kelas penuh? tak ke bodoh tu?

since september tu jugaklah , aku tak penah ade real holiday. cuti pun macam tak cuti, sbb kena study. dah lah study gile2 pulak tu. next holiday betul2 bulan dec ni, dua minggu aku cuti.tapi aku risau sbb lepas cuti ,exam lagi....akak aku dtg dec ni utk melawat france (ye, bukan nak melawat aku, aku ni guide jek), dua minggu tulah akan penuh aktiviti (lagilah takde masa nak study). selama seminggu sebelum krismas, kami dok paris+disney (ye budak tu nak gi disney, aku dah pegi, tapi utk dia punya pasal), then krismas off to rome!. lagi yg aku pening duit. Blanja aku plus blanja dia , nak2 2000 kot. 2000 ape? 2000 euros lah! amik ko. i bet it's more than ur 2 months salary. semua ni semata2 utk dia, sayang nye pasal, aku sanggup guna duit aku utk dia (tapi aku xnak bgtau ni kat dia, nanti dia amik kesempatan). Aku tak mintak apa2 balasan, cuma mungkin satu je, jgnlah dia buat perangai sampai sini. Amin. Pompuan tu dah lah pregnant, haih, lagilah aku kena bagi extra care kat dia. Time2 sejuk ni susah sket, aku travel student style, makan aku tak kesah sgt, tapi ni kan nak jaga pompuan pregnant..pening aku.

Actually, post ni sbnarnya nak meluahkan ketidakpuasan terhadap diri aku sendiri. Makin lama makin aku benci diri sendiri sbb aku rasa dah takde ape yg aku boleh control. APe yg aku nak, aku tak rasa aku takkan dpt sbb aku xmampu nak buat. Contoh, aku nak rasa being surrounded by warm and wonderful ppl who cares about me. Tapi percayalah, org2 sekeliling aku doesn't give a damn about me. Plus, aku ni people pusher. Aku push org jauh dr aku subconsiously, sbb aku takut org sakitkan hati aku. Mungkin aku pikir, lebih baik takde kawan dan tak disakiti drpd ade kawan tapi terpaksa simpan jek sakit hati tu. Sbb tulah mereka2 ni panggil aku antisocial. Dan satu lagi masalah aku, kalau aku hangout ngan malaysian, aku lebih suka hangout ngan budak laki so macam2lah fitnah kena kat aku. Aku bukan tak suka hangout ngan pompuan, tapi pompuan susah wooo, mereka cepat terasa dan sgt byk ragamnya. Aku tak mampu nak handle. Dan pompuans (plurial ahah) suka bergeng. Aku tak tahu kenapa tp aku mmg tak pandai bergeng. Aku lone ranger. Lihat sajalah disini, mana2 aku pegi , jarang sekali akan kamu lihat pompuan dok sorang (aku cakap malaysians k, bukan french) macam aku.

Berkali2 org tanya aku, kenapa aku dok tempat yg takde malaysians (ok tahun ni ade 2 ekor) dan masuk uni tanpa malaysians. Mmg ah lonely macam ni, hampir tiap2 hari aku rasa lonely tapi percayalah, ramai msians mana pun, akan ade masa2 ko rasa lonely. Aku pilih tempat ni bukan tanpa alasan, byk faktor2 yg aku fikirkan dan minda aku cakap, ni je best option aku ade. Dan aku tak pandai mix ngan msians, heh, french pun tak reti sgt tapi kadang2 aku saje mencari situasi yg aku tak suka utk memaksa diri aku adapt.Kalau tak, cane nak blaja? Ape guna ko gi jauh2, cari ilmu negara org tapi in the end, ko dok ngan msians je. Ko tak berkembang, dan ko takkan blaja mentaliti diorang. Aku tgk gambar2 kat FB, budak2 yg study oversea, semua gambar ngan msians sahaja. So ape tujuan ko gi oversea? Just supaya ko bleh cakap, aku blaja oversea. Baik blaja kat msia jek camtu.sama jek. Tapi of course lah, kenyataan aku ni takleh apply kat semua org, ade jek yg make effort utk mix ngan local and I'm proud of u ppl! Sila jgn salah faham ape aku cakap, ape yg aku nak maksudkan adelah, profit time kite kat oversea, make use of every opportunity but never forget our roots.

TAkde ape yg senang, tu aku tahu. Aku pun struggle gak nak mix ngan mereka2 yg putih ni. Nak2 nak paham ape diorang cakap bukan senang. Kadang2 aku gelak jek bile diorang gelak, tapi sbnarnya aku tak paham pun. Reti tu reti gak cakap french, tapi aku bukan dictionary, nak paham semua vocab yg diorang guna, dan diorang ni sgt up to date with politics dan any latest news la. Kalau buat manifestation, budak2 muda mesti ade join, diorang pun concern on their future, kalau aku buat dek je sbb aku mmg tak interested.tapi tu topik diorang, dan kalau nak integrate dlm society, terpaksalah blaja ape yg interest diorang. So till now, j'ai tjrs du mal .

Satu lagi aku tak minum dan aku tak makan makanan tak halal. Tu antara benda yg aku limit diri aku. Kalau nak tahu, ramai jek msians yg dah tersasar drpd benda ni. Yg lebih teruk pun ade, tapi aku tak masuk campur.Sapa aku utk memberi komen kan? So, budaya french ni adalah buat fete (party) dimana alcohol tu adelah wajib. Bau nye pun aku tak suka, macam manalah aku nak pegi parti2 neh? Dan mereka2 juga suka menari...emm, aku ni pemalu. nak menari dgn mereka..jgn mimpi. tapi aku appreciate sgt beberapa french kawan aku yg bile aku dtg, diorang cari daging halal dan masak utk aku. That's the least they can do, so kadang2 tak sampai hati aku nak tolak tawaran diorang. Terharu aku sbb diorang respect my limitation.

So, point aku adalah, kerana karakter aku camni, most of the time aku just stay umah je. Dan tulah yg buat aku depressed. Muak tgk dinding sama, ngadap buku, dan sakit mata tgk komputer. Berubah? trust me, i did make effort. Tapi susah nak ubah ape yg aku rasa. Ape2 aku buat rasa semuanya tak kena. Entahla...

Tu jelah bebelan aku for now, nak bebel byk nanti sapa yg sanggup membaca pulak bosan kan.

Percayalah, do open up and let me get to know u. Mungkin aku push korang jauh2 kadang2 tapi don give up on me cause i don't really mean it.

Think-Mac-Pad

2010-11-20T06:48:00.003+08:00

This remind me of my uncle who gloated over his thinkpad (not a suprise over there since he works for ibm anyway) after seeing me with my samsung NC10.

Tic Toc

2010-11-19T05:53:00.002+08:00

Sometimes I feel like the number of hours in a day are fewer than the number of fingers that I have. No matter how early I wake up, I just wouldn't be able to do everything that I've planned for the day.

Lack of determination? Procrastinating? Maybe...

Nonetheless, I feel that the real reason is really because I get physically and mentally tired. Every single second that I pass doing uni related work, my longing for breaks and my desire to crawl under the duvet just amplify. Every now and then I fight back but most of the time, I just give in.

The worst part is, even eating appears to be a task for me. Often I think..eat? what? now? but I'm up to my ears in work. Can't I just eat later???

But my stomach often disagree with me. How I wish we don't have to eat in order to live. When I'm too tired to cook, my last resort would be junk food or in particular, cooookieess. Hence, my transformation into Oreo Monster.

Veggies and fruits will never be seen on my plate. I survive solely on rice and meat. Oh and coffee is my daily drug, the only thing that keeps me going through long hours of classes.

Hmmm, if I don't die of fatigue, I might just die of high blood pressure.

Yey?

2010-11-14T08:09:00.000+08:00

I'm so jealous of ur happiness.......

Ugh

2010-11-12T04:00:00.004+08:00

Every human has problems and it's up to oneself to find a solution.

And I have....tons...

I've been feeling like a freaking loser lately. Shits has been happening from the beginning of the year and every single day is a horror and disaster to me. I seriously want out.

I hate school for I hate the faces that I see every single day. Waking up every day is a painful process and falling into the same routine over and over again is even worse. School is nothing but pretense and stress. People who scare the hell of u out, making u think there's nothing more important than acing what seems to be useless in the future, people who's asking if u're ok but expecting ok as an answer and not some rambles about life difficulties, and people who think that I'm just an Asian loser stepping foot in and trying to profit from their ridiculous education system. I don't believe in the saying, what doesn't kill u just make u stronger because certain things can simply eat u slowly inside out letting u rot in the end till ur last breath.

Everything seems wrong and everything I do is wrong to everyone. I'm very much an unhappy person and does that make u happy? What do u expect from me anyway? To come out from life little obstacles, stop with my complaints and be just like any of u?

When I turn to my family, they were never there to help me through. They don't understand what I go through or more like, they don't even give any effort to understand. What they want is just to profit from my being here, to visit what they think a wonderful country and it's surrounding , yet they don't even want to know how I live and suffer through the days.

As for people that I know, where r u? I couldn't even laugh let alone cry with u. Because u're tired of people like me who sees black instead of white and who prefer to sulk than to smile. I get it, I totally get it and I don't blame u. That's y I pull myself out as early as possible from letting u to know me better cause it's the darker side of me that I try hard to conceal but often in vain.

Who I am to lie. I can't lie to myself and I certainly don't know how to lie to u. Bit by bit, I'm losing my faith, in my family, in my friends and in my religion. When my prayers were unanswered, my ground shook and my believe seems to be floating further from me. I was once a faithful believer and I tried hard to stick to my faith, but life's burden just make me drift from what I believe once was true. Where's the place for hopeless sinner like me?

I pray hard to find that sweet moments I once had not long ago but as life goes on, things change and u just have to make-do with what u have. I don't know why everyone keep saying that life offers u myriad of choices cause I often find myself in a situation where life who made the choice for u.

No, I'm not asking for pities nor for u to offer me a solution. I'm just looking for a comfort place to say what I need to say and to hear words of comfort if that is too much to ask. So here I am, telling I don't-know-who my pain and sorrow because I'm nothing but a big fat loser. So yeah...I've known wealth, I've known health, but I've never known happiness. Call me ungrateful if u want to, but what good can come out having everything u want if u can't even taste the sweetness out of it?

Past, present, future

2010-10-31T20:55:00.002+08:00

If only feelings were just like a computer chip that u can slot in and out from the body system. Then it would be so much easier for me to slot in the happy chip than the lonely or sad chips in.

I'm surprised how the weather could effect my mood. It's gloomy, cold and rainy outside. Sometimes I think, if I couldn't get the sun, then why not give me night all day long? At least there would be stars for me to gaze and by luck, I would see a shooting star. With that, I could make a wish.

I'm tired of hoping. I thought hopes get us going. U know like a dying man with a cancer, hoping for a chance of survival, fighting for his dear life. But why bother? Knowing that in the end, u'll be buried underneath the cruel earth. Cause someone loves u? Cause someone needs u? Cause someone relies on u?But what if there isn't anyone? Should he fight nevertheless? For what reason?

Hmm, where should I live if I don't want to live in the past, the present nor the future?

Huggy wuggy

2010-10-30T02:02:00.002+08:00

Do you know how good it feels to live in a dream?

Even though every single cell in my body is alerting me to be extremely cautious of my action, I went and do it nevertheless.

What is wrong with me?

I couldn't help but smile of the pleasure of having to live in those temporary situations because dreams don't usually come true. Even though I'm well aware of the dead end it leads me to, I still run after it. I know I'll regret it sooner or later, but damn, I'll kill for those feelings again.

Had an surprisingly day the whole yesterday, and I'm craving for more.

I'm looking for trouble...oh boy, this is not good.

Slap my face and hope I'll be awake soon.