Adieu

It is with deep regret (not so much maybe, it just sounded nice to say it that way) to announce that perhaps, perhaps this is the end of this blog (jeez, like anybody care)

I started out like years ago, I never stopped writing till this day and I think I've changed partner twice! ever since this blog started. I am fully aware of how my posts were written mainly, if not purely to express my negative thoughts and emotions.

No one likes to read how sad you are. But more importantly, no one cares how depressed you may be.

Truth hurts. But they're necessary.

One valuable lesson I learned from writing in this blog is that, despite how much you pour out your dissatisfaction, complaints, comments, etc, it will only give you temporary relief. You really can't expect sympathy or empathy from strangers or even acquaintances.

In short, don't expect people to understand you.

Happiness is just a matter of perception (Says one who has trouble believing it).

So, adieu nonexistent readers. I'll miss you.

Will you miss me too?

I think I already know the answer.

Of birthday and such

No birthday cake this year (neither last year), 

but at least I received a dozen of flower.

I can't thank enough B for making it a wonderful day.

But it does made me realized, I don't really have any real friends here.

To be or Not to be

These past 3 weeks had been the most stressful, sad and tiring weeks for me. Who knew so many things could happen within 3 weeks.

It's all started out as a choice. A choice where the decision should be mine and mine alone.

My bosses have been pressuring me into doing PhD despite my constant hesitancy.

I told em', I'll made my decision once I've talked to the collaborator whose PhD project idea would come from and only then I'll made my decision.

Who knew, the day after I was presented with the new project, my CEO butt in and forced me to make a decision. A day after having seen the project wasn't sufficient to digest the information and decide on what could be the next 3 or 4 years of my life.

Her uncaring words and her dominant personality have triggered my spontaneous decision which I made probably out of hatred and rage. She made it crystal clear that there's not in any way she wants her company to continue doing synthesis work even at no cost. Which in another word, she wants me to leave cause I'm the only one doing synthesis.

As I transmitted her words to the university, the supervisors started to take action to deport me back to the university. I was taken aback at the speed of their action, and things to get more complicated and messy than ever.

Decision to do PhD was resulted out of impulse and direct reaction towards the CEO. I found myself troubled, sad, reluctant after having made that decision. So within a week, I wrote to my boss saying I'm having a second thought and I'm not doing PhD, which I believe I have the right to.

Sigh.

I learn a lot from these events. That what others sees as opportunities, I see as my obstacles. Opportunities are only as good as you want it to be. When you don't have the heart and soul to take on that choice, why do you have to? Just because others tell you to?

Not many have the same chance as I do, I have to admit that. But I'm sorry, it's not what I want. If you want me to marry a king and live in a beautiful kingdom, does it mean I  have to considering I don't even love the king? How can you live with a man you don't love. Problems will arise, and in the end you wouldn't be happy. Same goes to my situation right now.

How you live your life is your right and I'm not letting someone else tell me what to do even if it may be the most opportunistic thing in the world. You WON'T DIE just because you don't have a PhD! You will not be jobless just because you don't have a PhD. So stop it!

 I'm submitting my resignation letter next week.

A good friend told me and I quote "Embrace the change in your life".

It has been a very very challenging half year for me and I expect more to come.

Lost

These days, I can only live day by day. My heart can't take more than a day can offer.

Forced into making a decision has only resulted in my emotional and mental breakdown.

I don't usually lie, I hardly lie but last Friday I lied. The biggest lie I told so far. Because my heart couldn't take it anymore. I couldn't face a single soul without shedding a tear. I could barely breath a word without breaking into what could possibly be the most embarrassing  moment of my life. So I flee..by lying.

I wanted to run as far away as possible. I drove and drove, to find my happy place. A park where only happy memories were created. I felt safe, I felt momentarily relieved.

No one was around. So I cried..and cried...and cried.

Probably about an hour and a half I stayed crying.

I was lost. I never was this lost, but now I feel absolutely lost.

Please don't bring religion into this. I prayed, I did, but my prayers weren't answered. 

I gave up.

I'm not angry at Him. I deserved every bit of His punishment. I was sinful. My life full of sins.

I never felt this weak, this helpless, this soulless.

2 worlds

I have known two worlds in my upbringing ; the rich and the poor.

I'm neither.

I went to a school where in my opinion, was filled with spoilt b**ches students from higher class society (please don't get offended, it may not apply to you). Those who lived around the area was mostly datuk and datin, if not, wealthy businessmen.

Again, my family is neither.

I went to that particular school simply because despite the people, it was and still is a good school. And also because my grandparents live nearby. They owned the house even before the school existed. They lived there since like probably during the end of the mesopatamia era.

But peer pressure was on. And even up to this day, it still is on.

At school the girls would probably be like, hey look at my roxy bag and now, when I got back from France, they would be like hey, did you get a longchamp? Then, I just remained silent, trying to dodge whoever who may ask such question.

I'm ashamed to say that sometimes I do get caught in this $$ trap. Money spent like river flows.

Now that I'm a working woman (I flinch calling myself a woman, I still feel like a girl), I know how hard to earn money. And when I look at those other women, I can't help but feeling envious to the point of being jealous. Life comes easy for them, having wealthy parents a big plus (especially when you're planning a wedding and I know a lot whose parents basically pay for their wedding) and work is easy as well since they can just work at their parents' company.

I struggle to keep a low paid job and I struggle to manage everything on my own. Sometimes I stumble and pushing myself to stand again is ever so tiring. I worry and worry over my financial status and I worry about my future. At times I wonder if my worry would be endless.

That's all I wanted to babble about. I'm afraid if I go on, someone might puke while saying, as if you're the only person with worries in this world.

I wish to end this post by saying, guys I lost my precious phone. I suspect it was stolen. So please contact me using my digi number meanwhile I look for a replacement;, though I don't think anyone care to contact me.

Oh, and happy new year...

Step 1 : Meet the parents

Fuiihh..I can finally cross that one in my list.

Meeting his parents was easy. His family is the easy-going type.

Telling my parents,well that's, a whole different story.

You see, I wasn't raised up as a kid who tells my parents everything. In fact, I go all out to keep everything a secret from my parents. So just imagine how hard it is for me to tell them some big news like this.

Oh well, it's a phase I have to go through.

And first step done.

Next step : Merisik

Soon soon.

Baggy eyes

You can't choose who your families are. You just have to live with it.

All I have to say for now is, you don't have to wait 26 years and try to be a dad in one night.

It's a tad too late for that.

Depression

Why is life always about money?

I am barely able to stand on my own two feet financially and now I'm burdened by the debts of my own family.

Thank you for making my life a hell.

If that's the case, I might as well throw u guys everything I have then kill myself.

Cause I can't seem to find heaven anywhere.