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Friday, August 16, 2013

Adieu

It is with deep regret (not so much maybe, it just sounded nice to say it that way) to announce that perhaps, perhaps this is the end of this blog (jeez, like anybody care)

I started out like years ago, I never stopped writing till this day and I think I've changed partner twice! ever since this blog started. I am fully aware of how my posts were written mainly, if not purely to express my negative thoughts and emotions.

No one likes to read how sad you are. But more importantly, no one cares how depressed you may be.

Truth hurts. But they're necessary.

One valuable lesson I learned from writing in this blog is that, despite how much you pour out your dissatisfaction, complaints, comments, etc, it will only give you temporary relief. You really can't expect sympathy or empathy from strangers or even acquaintances.

In short, don't expect people to understand you.

Happiness is just a matter of perception (Says one who has trouble believing it).

So, adieu nonexistent readers. I'll miss you.

Will you miss me too?

I think I already know the answer.


Wednesday, July 24, 2013

My eyes hurt

Ish rambang mata tengok pelamin...

Tengok jela.

Nak wat tak mampu.

Why must pretty things be sooooo effing expensive.
Sunday, July 21, 2013

kesah toilet

haritu ntah camne kami boleh terborak pasal toilet kat opis.

toilet kat opis ni bukan bersih sgt, dan ade dikalangan manusia yang still menggunakan tandas duduk seolah2 tandas cangkuk membuatkan kami sgt2 tidak selesa.

dan ade juga yang selalu saya perasan, mereka2 yang suka lupa tutup lampu lepas kluar toilet.

pastu saya pun jawabla "tulah, rasa nak tulis note je....kalau selalu lupa tutup lampu, baik jgn on".

pastu kawan saya pun cakap "apsal awak ni emo sgt. bukannya awak yang bayar pun letrik. pedulikanla.management yang bayar kan".

i just kept quiet. yelah, nak menjawab nanti dia ingat kita cari gaduh pulak. 

but that's how I observed our msian mentalities.
 
sama macam, biarlah buang sampah kat luar tingkap, nanti dbkl kutip lah. awak kan bayar cukai.

dan kalau nak exagerate lagi..apa salahnya bakar sampah. udara kite pun bukan bersih sgt.

i didn't mean to be..as what she said...emotional.

I just prefer to adapt a different mentality.

Really, I don't throw rubbish outside my car window. I don't squat in public toilet (when it's a seating toilet), and I certainly don't leave tissues lying around in local surau.

I can already foresee how you teach your children, and that's just a reason why the world will never be a healthier and cleaner place.

Xkan nak ajar anak2, oh takpe, biarkah membazir letrik kat skolah, skolah yang bayar tapi jgn pulak buat kat rumah.

mana consistency anda?

tepuk dada tanya selera.
Friday, July 19, 2013

My confession

*Sorry, this post is a mix of malay and english. No proper vocab/grammer. Written in tears*

Seperti dia, saya mencari sebab sebenar saya di dunia ni. Why am here? What is the purpose of my life?

Subhanallah, Allah turunkan hidayat kepada dia. Bukakan hati dia untuk memeluk Islam and embrace the religion the way it should. Tapi perjalanan saya masih jauh, saya masih terpinga2, tertanya2 dan masih mencari jawapan kepada persoalan saya.

9 tahun lepas, saya masuk local university. Daripada sekolah , saya bertudung on/off. Tapi lepas SPM, saya buat keputusan untuk tidak berhijab. I thought university life would be different, that one day I'll find the right path and eventually I'll choose to cover up.

Tapi pengalaman di university tu bukanlah satu pengalaman manis. I was the very few who are hijabless. Dahlah kecik, pastu tak bertudung, mana tak dipandang semacam. The moment I stepped in, slowly I felt myself being the target of usrah people.

Zaman tu saya jahil. sekarang pun masih jahil. Kakak2 usrah ketuk pintuk setiap sorang heret kami ke surau untuk usrah. Senaif2 saya, saya pergi jugak untuk dengar usrah. Tapi terkejut jugak, kalau 20 buah pintu yang diketuk, kenapa kurang dari 10 yang datang? Dan hanya saya tak bertudung.

My sixth sense told me I was their target. Aurat. Tu lah topik pertama , kedua, dan seterusnya dengan kehadiran saya. Sumpah saya terasa. Kamu panggil saya untuk condemn saya ke? 1001 topik, topik itu jugak yang kamu pilih. 1001 bab agama yang saya ingin tahu, topik itu jugak yang kamu mahu ketengahkan?

Benci, itulah yang saya rasa. Instead of feeling more interested to know, I tuned out. My colleagues weren't helpful. Saya berasal dari skolah harian biasa dan 99.9% rakan sekelas saya dari skolah asrama, so I felt left out.Ade daripada mereka bertudung labuh ada yang tidak. I didn't click with them much and I don't think they like me at all. I always thought it was because I was hijabless. Kenapa, kalau saya tidak berhijab bererti saya bersosial ke? minum arak ke? makan babi ke?

Paling terkilan apabila saya mendapat tahu seorang hamba allah yang ayu berhijab labuh memberitahu rakan sekelas saya "Ei, saya tak suka lah M, dia tak bertudung?". Tak penah sepanjang pengajian saya di situ memakai baju ketat mendat macam sarung nangka, mahupun pakaian senteng yang bile duduk nampak bontot sedangkan rakan sekelas saya itu jauh walaupun bertudung, sumpah saya pernah nampak belakangnya kerana pakaiannya yang teramatlah ketat.

So I wasn't happy. I had no friends and I felt the whole world condemned me because I was hijabless.

Alhamdulillah, SPM result keluar dan saya mendapat tawaran ke France. It was my gateway...from everything. From the skeptical look everyone had on me, from those people who called me tikus because of my size and from my unhappy life.

Satu isu yang hangat diperdebatkan adalah kat France, certain universities and certain schools, you're not allowed to wear tudung. There was a day, a colleague of mine broke down and cried, she said "I can't go to this university. I'm wearing tudung. " I didn't offer any consolation, I didn't feel pity for her because the piece of cloth you wore on your head, yes it covers your hair, yet you still wear short sleeve, I can see your shape from your clothes and I definitely can see your behind, so tell me again, why were you crying?

Setahun selepas tu, apabila dia ke university di France, ya, dia terpaksa membuka tudung di perkarangan university tapi terus menyarungnya semula di luar. Syabas atas tindakan anda, saya bangga. Tapi apabila kami pergi ski bersama, kenapa sekadar snow cap yang anda kenakan? Leher anda bukankah juga aurat? Dan kenapa anda masih mengenakan short sleeve?

Pengalaman di France membuatkan saya makin rebel. Lahir sebagai Islam, namun saya tidak mengerti agama sendiri. Saya jahil dan masih jahil. Saya memerhati orang Islam di keliling saya, tiada yang antara mereka membuktikan keindahan agama ini kepada saya. Maka saya terus jahil.

Golongan2 usrah giat aktif di negara sana. Mereka yang bertuduh labuh berkumpul bersama2 untuk menjalankan aktiviti agama. Pada suatu hari, ketika sambutan tahun baru cina, kami di jemput meraikannya di restoran cina muslim. Kebetulan haritu , seorang kakak usrah ni duduk sebelah saya. Tapi saya amatlah pelik, dia duduk membelakangi saya, maknanya most of the time saya cuma nampak belakang dia, dan sipi2 sahaja muka dia. Berborak dengan saya pun tidak. Saya berborak2 dengan rakan di depan saya, ade juga saya tegur sket2 kakak ni, tapi respons dia kurang memuaskan. Kenapa kakak, hina sgt ke saya ni sampai kakak taknak adekan perbualan panjang dengan saya?

Saya tak tahu ape gosip yang berputar di sekitar saya. Ade juga yang mengatakan saya ni teramat bersosial. Pelik jugak sebab setahu saya takde org msia di city dan university saya blaja. Kamu pasang kamera kah? Atau guna crystal ball kah? Cubalah tanya rakan2 French saya, diorang nak heret saya ke parti diorang pun bukan main susah. Ni kan pula nak bersosial.

Mungkin pada tahun sebelum tu, saya asyik berkepit dgn ex saya. Yalah, rakan sket, dan saya kesunyian. Siapa lagi yang mahu layan rengetan saya kalau bukan dia. Dialah kawan baik saya dan dialah teman saya. Kalau xnak saya berkepit saja dgn dia, kenapa kamu juga tidak mahu membuka langkah menjadi rakan saya? Saya alu2 kan saja. Xdenya saya nak tolak kamu bertudung labuh atau tidak. Tidak sesekali saya judge kamu sehinggalah kamu bagi saya sbb untuk "mengejudge.".

Eventually I kept my distance from msians in France. I kept in touch with very few. Tapi ntahlah, saya tak reti simpan kawan. Tak tahu apa salah saya, kawan saya tak penah nak stay. Dari dulu sampai skrg. Kalau zaman skolah tu saya paham. Time tu saya sensitif sgt, salah sket, xnak kawan. Merajuk je tahu.

Tp kawan yang saya takdelah nak merajuk mana pun saya tak reti simpan. Banyak yang saya terkilan namun saya diamkan . Ade tu saya invite utk tunang saya sbb saya consider dia sgt penting dalam hidup saya, tapi last minit dia cancel,  nak seribu dalih taknak seribu daya. Alasan yang diberikan kurang convincing tapi saya diamkan sahaja. Yang sorang lagi pulak, kawan dah bertahun2. Tapi ntah mengapa, masa dia sedih dan lost, dia cari saya. Sanggup call dr Msia sedangkan saya di France, tp skrng, janji mahu contact tapi sampai skrg entah diam ke mana. Mungkin anda tertanya, kenapa tak saya je contact diorang. Jgn salah paham, text pun sudah, call pun sudah namun balas pun xnk , jawab pun xnak. Alasan bz katanya tapi di FB, seronok bagai kluar dgn rakan2 lain. Saya bukan rakan andakah? Siapakah yang sanggup bangun sebelum 6 pagi dgr anda meluahkan perasaan yg gf anda akan bertunang dgn org lain? Maafkan kalau yang membaca tu anda, dan anda terasa, tapi kalau 10 yang anda rasa , 1000 kali jugaklah saya terkilan.

Kalau bukan famili saya atau pun B, sumpah saya tak tahu nak call sapa kalau saya dalam kesusahan. Sbb tu saya cakap kat B, jgnlah B pegi dulu sebelum saya. Saya tak tahu camne nak hidup kalau takde awak. Bukanla maksud saya, xbleh nak bernyawa langsung, tapi peritnya kehilangan seseorang tu pasti agak lama saya nak tangani.

B dan saya, kami bukanlah muslim yang ideal. Ramadan tahun ni hambar bagi saya. Saya nak terawikh, tapi takut nak pegi sorang2. Mak abah taknak pegi. Alasannya, abah sakit dan mak penat. So terawikh sorang2 je. Saya bgtau B, B nanti bile dah kahwin, imamkanlah solat saya dan bawalah saya terawikh ye. Bimbingla saya B, sbb saya sedar ade benda missing dalam hidup saya dan saya rasa benda itu ialah agama. Untungnya saya lahir sbgai org Islam tapi ruginya saya kerana tak paham erti sebenar agama ini. Malam2, kadang saya baca Quran dan tafsirnya. Tapi saya masih belum jumpa jawapan kepada soalan saya. Makin lama makin saya banyak soalan, dan makin lama makin saya keliru. Saya belum terbuka untuk berhijab, condemnlah saya jauh2 tapi percayalahlah, lagi kata2 perit awak macam "Ko tak bertudung, yang pasti ko ke neraka", akan hanya membuatkan saya lagi mahu rebel dan menjauhkan diri drpd memahami kenapa saya wajib berhijab.

Dakwah. Dakwah ade banyak jenis kan. Yang paling berkesan untuk saya adalah contoh dan teladan. Bukan dgn kata2. Dakwah secara halus. Saya takde hak untuk memilih cara dakwah awak, tapi saya ade hak untuk menerima atau tidak apa yang awak katakan.

Some of us are lost. I'm definitely one of them. I don't always feel kindness in my life to have faith in humanity and my religion. But I'll try, slowly but surely. Insyaallah satu hari saya akan berhijab. Bantulah saya dalam perjalanan saya ye. Yang paling penting, help me embrace this religion the way I should.

Maafkan saya atas terkasar bahasa. If you have nothing nice to say, then say nothing k.


Wednesday, July 10, 2013

Oh ramadhan

My fasting this year has a rough start. First day, I couldn't sleep, so I went off to work feeling lightheaded.

Second day started with so much anger. 
Why do people use FB as a medium to express your discontentment rather than talk directly.Can you resolve your issues just by telling you peers virtually?

I, on the other hand, went to confront the person asking if I did something wrong and if yes, well maybe I could do something to fix it.But bloody human just prefer to do things virtually. So what, now you're happy after pouring out your feeling on FB?

What is wrong with these kind of people.
Tuesday, July 2, 2013

Why do we rant?

I think there are reasons to why we rant. I believe ranting has it purposes.

In work, depending on how we see the situation, ranting is actually an indication. Like, sometimes B would rant about how he didn't manage to troubleshoot with the problems with his clients' server and start to explain to me with complicated technical terms that only IT man would understand, and I will be nodding and smiling yet not understanding (cause that's what people do when they don't understand right? they smile). 

Truth is, behind those rants, I believe there's passion. There's a desire to want to solve the problem, there's frustration but at the same time there's hope. Else, you would fall into the category of "je m'en foutism" (sorry, my french kicking in) which means the "I don't care" group. I've seen those who really lost passion, they would just simply not care and won't bother to get angry, or strive to offer solutions or even bother to complain about it.

Some see ranting as being ungrateful. But perhaps, ranting, when given at a moderate amount, is really just pointing out the imperfection of a system and indirectly thinking out loud on how to perfect it.

What do you think the real reason my personal blog existed in the first place?

To rant, of course.
Monday, June 24, 2013

Does a water air purifier works?

 

Have you seen this kind of air purifier before?

I've seen many, in fact I'm using one right now.

Honestly I don't know if it really works.

All I know is, API (Air pollutant index) is increasing in Malaysia, and my nose is so watery right now and I'm having trouble to breath. Not to mention, my eyes are itchy too.

Can't help but wearing a mask in my own room.

And switching on the air purifier cause can't stand the smokey smell.

Take care everyone! Pray for rain and stop open burning for god sake!