Lost

These days, I can only live day by day. My heart can't take more than a day can offer.

Forced into making a decision has only resulted in my emotional and mental breakdown.

I don't usually lie, I hardly lie but last Friday I lied. The biggest lie I told so far. Because my heart couldn't take it anymore. I couldn't face a single soul without shedding a tear. I could barely breath a word without breaking into what could possibly be the most embarrassing  moment of my life. So I flee..by lying.

I wanted to run as far away as possible. I drove and drove, to find my happy place. A park where only happy memories were created. I felt safe, I felt momentarily relieved.

No one was around. So I cried..and cried...and cried.

Probably about an hour and a half I stayed crying.

I was lost. I never was this lost, but now I feel absolutely lost.

Please don't bring religion into this. I prayed, I did, but my prayers weren't answered. 

I gave up.

I'm not angry at Him. I deserved every bit of His punishment. I was sinful. My life full of sins.

I never felt this weak, this helpless, this soulless.