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Friday, May 17, 2013

To be or Not to be

These past 3 weeks had been the most stressful, sad and tiring weeks for me. Who knew so many things could happen within 3 weeks.

It's all started out as a choice. A choice where the decision should be mine and mine alone.

My bosses have been pressuring me into doing PhD despite my constant hesitancy.

I told em', I'll made my decision once I've talked to the collaborator whose PhD project idea would come from and only then I'll made my decision.

Who knew, the day after I was presented with the new project, my CEO butt in and forced me to make a decision. A day after having seen the project wasn't sufficient to digest the information and decide on what could be the next 3 or 4 years of my life.

Her uncaring words and her dominant personality have triggered my spontaneous decision which I made probably out of hatred and rage. She made it crystal clear that there's not in any way she wants her company to continue doing synthesis work even at no cost. Which in another word, she wants me to leave cause I'm the only one doing synthesis.

As I transmitted her words to the university, the supervisors started to take action to deport me back to the university. I was taken aback at the speed of their action, and things to get more complicated and messy than ever.

Decision to do PhD was resulted out of impulse and direct reaction towards the CEO. I found myself troubled, sad, reluctant after having made that decision. So within a week, I wrote to my boss saying I'm having a second thought and I'm not doing PhD, which I believe I have the right to.


I learn a lot from these events. That what others sees as opportunities, I see as my obstacles. Opportunities are only as good as you want it to be. When you don't have the heart and soul to take on that choice, why do you have to? Just because others tell you to?

Not many have the same chance as I do, I have to admit that. But I'm sorry, it's not what I want. If you want me to marry a king and live in a beautiful kingdom, does it mean I  have to considering I don't even love the king? How can you live with a man you don't love. Problems will arise, and in the end you wouldn't be happy. Same goes to my situation right now.

How you live your life is your right and I'm not letting someone else tell me what to do even if it may be the most opportunistic thing in the world. You WON'T DIE just because you don't have a PhD! You will not be jobless just because you don't have a PhD. So stop it!

 I'm submitting my resignation letter next week.

A good friend told me and I quote "Embrace the change in your life".

It has been a very very challenging half year for me and I expect more to come.


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