getting weary

With all these things happening, I'm finding myself losing appetite and lack of proper sleep. I often take a light breakfast and eat only half of my lunch and occasionally skip dinner. I used to be able to sleep long hour but these days I tend to sleep late and wake up before my alarm ticks off. 

I  am worried about my own mental and physical health.I find myself prone to crying even for tiny things and I'm worried of my declining weight.

I'm 146 cm, 33kg and I'm 27.

Yes, I used to take it as a laughing matter by saying I can hide easily in cupboards and people won't think of looking me there, how if I faint, it doesn't take a man to pick me up and sent to hospital.

But now I don't feel like laughing at all.I made funny remarks of myself just to make myself feel better.Truth is, I don't.

I don't because what happens when one day I want to have a child and there would be problems because of my BMI? What happens if one day I need an operation and there would be complication because I'm underweight?

People says that the nearer you are to your wedding, the happier you should be and perhaps the better your appetite? But god knows what I go through right now between work and wedding preparation.

Not having a stable income, trying to figure out what my next career move,, stepping into a marriage world, trying to build a home..it's all sounds like the common problem anyone would face.  Except facing it simultaneously without being able to take one step at a time is quite a lot to handle. 

I guess I'm just tired, of holding myself together that is.I want to be strong, strong for B, strong for my family.

Except occasionally....I trip.

It's so so.......  so tiring.

To be or Not to be

These past 3 weeks had been the most stressful, sad and tiring weeks for me. Who knew so many things could happen within 3 weeks.

It's all started out as a choice. A choice where the decision should be mine and mine alone.

My bosses have been pressuring me into doing PhD despite my constant hesitancy.

I told em', I'll made my decision once I've talked to the collaborator whose PhD project idea would come from and only then I'll made my decision.

Who knew, the day after I was presented with the new project, my CEO butt in and forced me to make a decision. A day after having seen the project wasn't sufficient to digest the information and decide on what could be the next 3 or 4 years of my life.

Her uncaring words and her dominant personality have triggered my spontaneous decision which I made probably out of hatred and rage. She made it crystal clear that there's not in any way she wants her company to continue doing synthesis work even at no cost. Which in another word, she wants me to leave cause I'm the only one doing synthesis.

As I transmitted her words to the university, the supervisors started to take action to deport me back to the university. I was taken aback at the speed of their action, and things to get more complicated and messy than ever.

Decision to do PhD was resulted out of impulse and direct reaction towards the CEO. I found myself troubled, sad, reluctant after having made that decision. So within a week, I wrote to my boss saying I'm having a second thought and I'm not doing PhD, which I believe I have the right to.

Sigh.

I learn a lot from these events. That what others sees as opportunities, I see as my obstacles. Opportunities are only as good as you want it to be. When you don't have the heart and soul to take on that choice, why do you have to? Just because others tell you to?

Not many have the same chance as I do, I have to admit that. But I'm sorry, it's not what I want. If you want me to marry a king and live in a beautiful kingdom, does it mean I  have to considering I don't even love the king? How can you live with a man you don't love. Problems will arise, and in the end you wouldn't be happy. Same goes to my situation right now.

How you live your life is your right and I'm not letting someone else tell me what to do even if it may be the most opportunistic thing in the world. You WON'T DIE just because you don't have a PhD! You will not be jobless just because you don't have a PhD. So stop it!

 I'm submitting my resignation letter next week.

A good friend told me and I quote "Embrace the change in your life".

It has been a very very challenging half year for me and I expect more to come.

Lost

These days, I can only live day by day. My heart can't take more than a day can offer.

Forced into making a decision has only resulted in my emotional and mental breakdown.

I don't usually lie, I hardly lie but last Friday I lied. The biggest lie I told so far. Because my heart couldn't take it anymore. I couldn't face a single soul without shedding a tear. I could barely breath a word without breaking into what could possibly be the most embarrassing  moment of my life. So I flee..by lying.

I wanted to run as far away as possible. I drove and drove, to find my happy place. A park where only happy memories were created. I felt safe, I felt momentarily relieved.

No one was around. So I cried..and cried...and cried.

Probably about an hour and a half I stayed crying.

I was lost. I never was this lost, but now I feel absolutely lost.

Please don't bring religion into this. I prayed, I did, but my prayers weren't answered. 

I gave up.

I'm not angry at Him. I deserved every bit of His punishment. I was sinful. My life full of sins.

I never felt this weak, this helpless, this soulless.

This close to giving up

Ntah kenapa, hati kecil ni cakap my engagement won't go as well as I want it to be.

Just like merisik.

Dah tried my best to do hantaran and doorgifts on my own. 

Yang lain tu terpaksalah berserah je.

Nak ikutkan banyak je yg tak puas hati, tunang pun skali je seumur hidup (insyaallah) tapi ntahla, too late dah utk ubah apa2, cuma dapat fix sana sini je. Budjet pun bukan banyak. Sedey pun ade, excited pun ade.

Nak complain pun, nanti ada yang kecik hati. Nak demanding sangat, nanti ade yg marah. Serba salah.

If it goes ugly, then finela, tak larat dah nak pikir.